Gosh darn life!!!!

First and foremost I would like to say help!!!

I have not been on in a while. Quite depressing but I’m back. Had a lot going on starting last Friday and driving all the way up to now. If you don’t want to hear about the current struggles I am facing then I invite you to click away now cause it starts in

3….

2….

1….

Now!!!!

Okay so lets start with Friday. I left for a gun show and while setting up I got a call from my mom that our cousin had passed away. It wasn’t sudden she had been having many problems with seizures and strokes and after having more than multiple strokes and just wasn’t able to hold on any longer. She was really close to us so that was hard news to take.

Then comes the part when I can actually smile and say something good has happened. During this show I got to spend some time with a guy I like and we’ve gotten a lot closer since then. Thankfully he is helping me through the slump right now and has been very understanding so that is amazing.

Sunday night I was walking around in the dark and noticed that I was not seeing correctly so after about 5 minutes of trying to figure out why I felt so weird and why I couldn’t see right I realized that my vision blurs out on the left side. The strange thing is this only happens in the dark. I wasn’t concerned at first but it keeps happening so now Im getting a little worried. So if anyone knows of anything this could be that be great. If not, my dad is forcing me to go see a doctor which leads me to my next part.

Monday my gma wanted to go to the store so as we were going I lost power steering and my battery light starting dinging at me so I took it to a shop which then they told me that I have multiple wears in my van and bolts lose that are making my belt pop off which obviously is not good but making it worse to do the repairs they said I needed I would have to be rich…. lol I am hoping I can just buy the parts I need and have someone do it, no worries the place that would do it knows what they are doing they just require buying the parts yourself. But I was told that  it would cut down on the cost possibly more than half. So good news in a flood of misery.

Tuesday I had soccer training and by the end of it breathing was so hard I couldn’t move for a while. Now I would go out and say that it’s just because I’m not in as good of shape as I was earlier but that’s false and I was breathing fine at practice this morning. The problem has only been occurring when I’m in cold air so my trainer recommending having my doctor check it out.

Might as well continue into yesterday. It was actually not a bad day but one of the girls on my team was in a car accident and that was pretty bad. She’s already been having problems and now after the accident she’s in even more pain than before so I’m a little concerned about her. She’s doing okay but you can tell that she is in a lot of pain.

Today I had practice super early, woke up at 5 this morning. No problem though. Once I took my shower I was wide awake. During the workout I felt something not right with my arm and for the majority of the day it has been bothering me so I went to the trainer and she said I did something to something to my tricep, which I guess according to her is really hard to do so that sucks. I can’t put much weight on it. Holding my head on my hand is out of the question and I can’t lift my arm over my head or even bend it without pain so that’s just awesome.

Then later today my card was declined and when I checked out my account realized that I had forgot to cancel a subscription that I don’t want anymore. What’s terrible about this is I needed the money that they took from my account to pay for my meds, my car, doc apptment, and soccer stuff. I sent them an email hoping that they will be understanding, which so far dealing with them they have been so hopefully they can help me out. Adding to soccer, I have practice in the morning and now my gma is upset because she swears I didn’t tell her I  couldn’t take her to work in the morning. I thought I told her but my memory is bad so she could very well be right. I feel bad but she said she has some personal days that she needs to use so I guess that’ll be fine.

So that leads up to now. After the most eventful week I’ve had in a long time I actually have time to relax and enjoy releasing some of my frustration. Just putting all this out here doesn’t not solve much but it definitely just relaxed me a bit more.  

I guess the way I see these events is that things could be worse…. it’s hard to see it sometimes but it’s true. There’s someone out there with problems that would make mine seem miniscule. Everything that has been going on definitely have me super stressed and when you add school work on top of that it adds to my anxiety. I just feel like punching a wall right now. Probably would mess up my arm even more but man it’s so tempting looking on everything going on. I might be at a rough spot right now but I’ll get through it. Stuff happens but we gotta keep going right. Life is a crazy ride but it’s one worth getting on. The typing is starting to get to me and is making my arm really sore so I guess I shall hit publish post and be done for the night.

See you soon. I will have free time now that I have a free weekend to get caught up on everything, thank goodness!!

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College Returns

So before I go into my thoughts on what this semester brings, for zero to hero challenge today we are supposed to create a blogroll. I think I’m just really tired but I don’t get it. I’ve got it up but I don’t understand putting new ones on it or idk. Maybe I will revisit the idea in the morning when I’ve slept off this long day.

Classes began Monday and it was one of those I’m ready but I’m not type things. However, I am excited for the semester. I believe I mentioned it at some point, maybe, I tend to forget things, but I am a psychology major. So this semester I have 3 psych classes including: research methods, social, and personality. Really looking forward to personality because it sounds interesting but also because I love the professor I have. Continuing I also have 2 history classes and 1 social work class that I’m excited about because it is all about respect and responsibility for elders. I’m already shocked with myself which is sad cause it’s only the second day, but I completely finished everything I wanted to get done tonight which rarely EVER happens. So real excited about that.

For 2 of my psych classes  I already need to start looking for a topic for our major grade for one I need a topic for a research proposal and the other I need a person whose personality I can dissect. For the research proposal I already know my focus will be in sports psychology but I now have to figure out a question that I can get from that. There’s lots of tons of things I could do but I just haven’t gotten to it yet. For the person…. I’ve no clue yet. Maybe a soccer player. I just need someone that I can get information on their childhood. I am actually excited about these projects so we’ll see where it goes.

I’m worn out so I’m going to say its my bedtime. Have a great night, evening, day, morning, which ever suits your time. 🙂

Building on a Comment

Well, todays zero to hero challenge is to write a post that builds on a comment we left yesterday. So I’ll choose the comment I left on redstuffdan‘s post. I really think his art is amazing. The pictures that he posts are really one of a kind. Whenever I get on I check to see what kinds of pics he has posted. I recommend if you are an art person or even if you’re not and just looking for something to do to go to his page and get drawn to his wonderful artwork.

http://redstuffdan.wordpress.com/

Check it out. It’ll be worth your time.

A Visit to the Doctor’s Office (Part 2)

The doctor walked in with his clipboard and gave me a looked that assured me something wasn’t right. He asked:

“Would you like the good news or the bad news first.”

Oh no there it was I knew for sure whatever he had to say, I was not going to want to hear it. I was so scared to hear anything but eventually told him that he could choose. He looked at his clipboard then back and me smiled and said:

“Good news, you didn’t tear your meniscus, but….”

WHAT THE HECK!!!! Could he make my life any more difficult. He must have been amused by the agony he was giving me in not just telling me straight out. Maybe I should have said just give me the bad news and spare me the good. He smiled and I knew at this point that he was in fact enjoying my anticipation. Finally he continued:

“your MRI showed that your iliotibial band is really inflamed and that can mimic a tear in  the meniscus which is why you are in so much pain.”

My what?? After he explained this to me, he then told me that it would not sideline me and that I could do as much as the pain would allow me to do. I was prescribed meds to get rid of the inflammation and released to practice. After all of that I was relieved to know that it wasn’t as serious as it could have been. It still gives me problems today but I still laugh at how nervous I was to hear the doctors results.  🙂 

This was the end of my story for the weekly writing challenge.

 

A Visit to the Doctor’s Office

The pain had been nagging at me since the second week of practice. Every step in my stride brought the sharpest pains through my knee. I could barely stand it. Literally. I’d been playing soccer for five years by this time and up until this point I had never been in so much pain. The closest thing to it was when I pulled my quad the year before but even that didn’t even closely resemble the pain I was in. In high school I was known for hiding pains I had, however this one I couldn’t hide. I went and talked to the trainer and she spent a few days trying to help the problem with ultrasound therapies, ice, stretching and strengthening, but eventually decided it was best for me to go see a doctor. Doctors scare the crap out of me and believe me I have a legit reason (….you don’t want to know lol). So the appointment was set and I awaited the day. When it came I saw the doctor and he took a few x-rays and could not find anything from just the regular exam but was concerned I may have torn my meniscus so he ordered an MRI. I got the MRI which was terrible. Have you ever been in one of those machines? I mean its seriously torcher. I can’t sit still as it is but having a nurse tell me that I have to lie there and not move at all…. let me tell you, I was not a happy camper at all. Nevertheless I lied there still and stared at a dot on the machine for about 15 terribly long minutes. After this was the wait for the results. So I waited…. and waited. It seems like when you are anxious to know a result is when the wait feels like years away.

Finally it was the day. I got in the car, shut the door, and made the drive to the docs office. Nervously I pounded on the steering wheel to the music wondering what the doctor would say. When I arrived, I got out the car, took a deep breathe, and walked in. The nurse called my name and led me to a room. This may have been the longest walk of my life. Have you ever looked at a hallway and dreaded the fact that you had to go all the way to the other side? That’s how I felt. (Granted I actually was put in the 2nd room in the hallway. But it took a long while to get to that hall). I sat in the room, the nurse told me the doctor would be in with me shortly and I began to watch the clock. Bad idea. Minutes went by but they felt like hours. My heart nearly ripped from my chest every time I heard footsteps. Whispers were now at the door and I could barely sit in my chair I was so nervous. The door opened and my hear stopped.

To be continued….

Well, I’m not the best story teller but this is my shot at the cliffhanger for the weekly writing challenge. Keep checking back for the end to the story.

Memory and Organization Problems

With the new semester beginning next week I’ve been doing a lot of small things to get ready for the semester. It seems that every time I start I begin organized and ready to go and it all falls apart after the first or second week. I’ve got to keep my grades up and get them even higher if I want to reach my goals. I’m not sure what goes wrong but it hasn’t failed to happen yet. This semester I want to make a change to stay organized in all my classes and make this the best semester I’ve ever had. One of the biggest problems I’ve noticed is remembering deadlines. I’ve tried keeping a planner and that has not helped in fact its added to what I have to remember which makes it even more difficult for me. If anyone has any input on what I could try I am up for any suggestions. I recently got a whiteboard calendar hoping that it will help me at least a small amount in remember things. One other thing I have tried is putting deadlines in my phone but even then I find that it does not help or I forget to put it down all together. I’m running out of ideas. It’s getting really bad and since my concussion at the beginning of the school year its been that much harder. However this problem started long before my concussion. Forgetting stuff doesn’t just affect school but it is the most important thing to me that it is affecting. I’ve heard stuff about memory training, maybe I should look into that. Wouldn’t hurt anything I guess. I’ve got to do something that’s for sure.

Turn Down For What

So this is a DJ Snake/Lil Jon song so if you’re not much of a rap person Id say don’t continue however its more of a beat than a song at all so maybe that would change your view. I don’t really know what to describe it as…. it falls under the dance genre but if you don’t like dubstep, rap, techno, idk and similar music then this is not the video for you lol. So why am I posting this? Well todays zero to hero challenge involved a new element. I have not posted a video yet so I figured why not. I just think its a catchy beat and definitely fun to dance to. So that’s all for now.

My Life. My decisions.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

This quote sets deep with me today. So here’s the story. I met a guy over this weekend and we’ve been somewhat talking. Nothing serious but of course my mom is already saying well don’t go to far to fast, how do you know he likes you, what if he doesn’t except you for who you are, what if he hurts you? These are all good comments and questions but there’s this boundary that she needs to stay on the other side of. No I don’t think my mom needs to know every detail of my personal life but yes I do feel that at some point if this guy and I actually come to like each other then she should meet him. I met the guy 2 days ago so I’m not going to all of a sudden want to marry him. I know better than that and my mom should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t do that. It’s insane and sadly I’ve seen those close to me do things like this and lets just say they didn’t end well. So where does this quote come in? Here’s the thing, if I never take a chance, I’ll never achieve anything. How can I ever fall in love…. without falling in love? I can’t. Will I get hurt? Possibly, very possible. But life goes on. What will I have accomplished. I will have learned something about myself that I might not have been aware of before hand. I might find that letting another person into my life is a good thing even though I’m scared to death of letting people in. In the end it’s not about my mom’s rash opinion of some guy she’s never even met, but about me experiencing life. I want to live, and not be held back by possibilities. Today was an eye opener for me and after the conversation with my mom today, I hope she realizes that she can’t live my life for me. She has to let me live, let me make decisions, good or bad. I can handle my mistakes. However, I’m not sure how I would respond to a decision my mom made for me.

On a different note, snowed in. Crazy winter weather and in a state of emergency. This sucks…. a lot lol. I need to move away from cold weather, its depressing to me. I don’t like cold weather let alone this fluffy white snow sticking to everything it touches. Eewww I despise winter. Nevertheless I’m all smiles going to sleep tonight. I’m not going to let disagreements and bad weather get me down tonight. No way!!!! Good night or good morning if that applies to you.

Thoughts from the Vault

Day 3: What’s on your mind?

So todays zero to hero challenge is to write what was on my mind when I decided to blog. This is a hard one for me. I’ve been thinking, wondering if this post was really worth making. In fact I talked about it in my first post but I don’t think it was up long enough for anyone to read it. I deleted it because I wasn’t sure afterwards if I wanted everyone to see that deep into my life. Maybe its time to open the vault and leave it open this time. Deep breath…. After reading the challenge I’m taking this post for what it is…. a challenge. So here goes nothing. Wow, getting pretty nervous! Feels like my first school play all over again lol.

Okay, where to begin. Lets start here. I love my mom to death, but she is probably 65% of my worrying. She worries a lot which in turn causes me to worry even more. Especially when she worries about me. She comes up with these crazy scenarios and thinks that they will or have happened. For instance….

I help my dad with his job generally Fridays to Sundays. Just a little of a background he goes to gun shows and we sell ammunition. Some weekends the show starts on a Friday so I have to leave Thursday. Well there was a show that this happened. I told my mom about it and she knew I was leaving. So she called me Friday morning and started yelling at me cause I told her I was at my dads house and not at the show. So when I got annoyed after she told me I told her something different naturally I was depressed right? False. The whole situation led to her talking to my dad and asking him if he did something and why I was sounding depressed. I talked to her the next day and she got in an argument/fight with her husband and that got really bad. In this situation I wasn’t blamed for her argument/fight situation but there have been many others similar to it that she blamed me for their fights.

So it is moments like this that stress me out to the maximum. I’m told not to worry about it but how can I ignore something like that? That isn’t even the full story, there were words exchanged that I’d rather not go into detail about. Gaaaaahhh some days she drives me insane. I know its normal for mothers to over react at times but I’m not sure her reactions are normal at all. They generally have a false reasoning behind them anyway. Even though she says she trusts me, when I tell her things, she asks me again and again as if she didn’t believe the first, second, or third time I answered. There are so many words that we’ve said to each other in arguments that I wish could be erased but I know there’s no way for that to happen. We have sort of a broken relationship now. Where I used to feel I could tell my mom everything, I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t even live with her anymore but the drama that was always there continues. I dread going over there because I know there will be something she will be complaining and worrying about, but I can’t not go see her. Then that would make me a bad daughter and a bad sister. I don’t even know anymore what to do with the whole situation.

Wow…. that’s my rant. I can’t believe I’m about to post this. To anyone who reads this sorry about how long it is. Oh and just a side note to anyone who notices the small details, when I use the ellipses I use four dots instead of three because I have a problem with odd numbers. Just a fun little fact that you know about me now! Welp, until next time.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Beginning

Weekly Photo Challenge: Beginning

I shall start this weekly photo challenge as well. Looks fun. Well this is not a new photo and it is actually my header. However immediately when I looked at the topic beginning this pic came to mind. I took this pic while walking around a family members neighborhood. However I wish it was now that I took this pic. I would love to see sunshine and feel the warmth of the sun…. but then came winter lol. The reason I thought of this pic was because for some reason this pic has become sort of symbolic for me. Once you choose a path that’s it, but if you don’t choose a path you’re stuck. It might be a scary decision but its a decision we all must make. We can open new doors and close those we have completed as we get further but once you begin there’s no outlet. Its sketched into our path and can’t be erased. Just more paths to add to our bunch. It makes us who we are. I’m done with this or I’ll ramble on probably repeating myself 6 or 7 times.