Fighting a Case of the Blues

It’s strange how an event, small or big, can get the gears turning in your brain. I had a dream last night that I was killed. Crazy right? I spent the remainder of the dream trying to relay to my family and friends what actually happened. Being dead didn’t exactly help that mission. I woke up happy to be breathing.

So this dream got me thinking…. Life is unpredictable. One second you could be on top of the world and the next you could lose it all. Vice versa, you could have nothing and look up one day and you damn near have it all. Wouldn’t that be great!

I’ve been in a slump and I really don’t know what’s got me down. I could just say it’s the month of February (this is a really bad time of year for me, ironically being my birthday month) but it actually started mid year last year. I do believe however that February has made it worse. But that’s a story for another time. I may have mentioned it in some random post I’ve created but I have no clue. Anyway back on track….

‘You could have nothing and look up one day and damn near have it all’. I don’t feel that I have nothing at least not externally. I’ve got family and friends who care about me… I guess. It more seems to be just friends at times. I have the best living arrangements I could ask for being a college student. My boyfriend is the best, I probably should tell him that more often. I’m for the most part healthy, a few issues here and there with injury and other medical stuff. I’m at an amazing college playing soccer with the most amazing teammates. I have stuff, so much stuff. I’ve got more than I need. So why is it that life feels so hard.

Internally, something is missing. I’m not sure what it is, but it bothers me on a daily basis. The longer I am in this hole, the more I find myself taking it out on other people. I am a very sarcastic person, but my tone has gone almost beyond sarcasm to straight mean. I am very short with people. The smallest things make me want to take a sledge hammer to someones car. I have a bad memory, but it seems to be getting worse the longer this goes on as well. Happiness is short lived. It’s just a huge unseeable mess. I try to hide it. I’m not sure how well I’m doing at it but if I can I want to keep others from knowing about it. I don’t want people to worry about me cause I’m only me.

So apart of me feels like I have nothing. Material things are great, but really they mean nothing to me in the long run. The dream I had last night kind of forced me to make an attempt at tackling this issue. Not that I think someone is after me and will kill me lol but that anything could happen. I really want to get out of this slump. I’m still  trying to figure out what it actually is so I guess it is going to take a while. I hope not too long. I want to be able to wake up and be happy to be starting my day!

This is all just a bunch of random thoughts that I needed to get out. I was lying in bed and just letting them sit in my head was not doing them justice. It may do some good to get my thoughts out into a solid form. Jumbled up in my head it makes little sense. Writing it down, or i guess typing, puts it into a little more perspective for me. If you read this sorry for the depressing post. Well I will stop here. Hopefully my next post is a little more positive.Have a great day or night. Whichever 🙂

When Needed, Get Help!!

I’m not really sure what made me want to post today. This whole blog thing has been a fail on my part. Not because I don’t like it, I really do. Before this site I used to blog more often. At first I thought blogging was all about numbers. How many views, how many followers, etc. Then I came to realize it really wasn’t. It was like I was talking to myself, and I even came to decisions just but thinking something out it a post. Must have seemed crazy at times. I’m sure it literally looked like I was talking to myself LOL! But once it shut down I fell away from it for a while and then looked here to maybe pick back up. Whatever it is blocking my blogging path, I hope it diminishes soon. For now I guess I am just going to try to make it work as well as I can. I babble a lot, so if anyone is reading this I sincerely apologize.

So, the past couple months I have been struggling big time with figure out my classes. I have three online classes…. that suck, but I have to take them because that is the only way they are offered. I have terrible time management issues and online classes bring that out the worst in me. I recently forgot a deadline that was a huge deal and decided I needed to talk to a few people. So after talking to a few professors, my coach, and an advisor, I believe I am going to be okay.

The truth is I should have gotten help sooner. I knew the issues I was having with classes and instead of getting help I got frustrated and pushed things off. Well that went well, now in one of my classes the highest grade I can receive is a B. That’s not terrible but the fact is that I have to get all A’s for that to be accomplished so now I have to work extra hard.

My coach put me in contact with someone who is helping me with my time management issues. We had a meeting today and now I have schedule days and times that I have to study which is probably a good thing. I thought that studying at home would be fine since for the majority of time being there I would be alone but there are so many distractions. Food, television, that book that is misplaced, the pictures that I still need to hang up, the clothes I need to fold and put away…. point is there are way to many distractions for me. Having a small cubicle of an area to study might just be what I need to keep me on task. She gave me a weekly calendar that has what times I have open each day of the week. Main purpose to find time to mark of as study time.

I have never been so frustrated with myself. Okay I take that back, I haven’t been so frustrated with myself in terms of school related issues. Finally talking with people about my issue was definitely what is helping me get out of this mess I made. Sometimes the help you need is staring you in the face and all you need to do is ask and BOOM life just got a little easier. There are so many things causing stress in my life right now. Wrestling this time management issue is definitely going to lighten the load. Even if just a small portion.

My advice, when you need help ask. No matter how small or big. SOMEONE will be able to help. Just have to find the right people. They are there with open arms ready to assist.