Fighting a Case of the Blues

It’s strange how an event, small or big, can get the gears turning in your brain. I had a dream last night that I was killed. Crazy right? I spent the remainder of the dream trying to relay to my family and friends what actually happened. Being dead didn’t exactly help that mission. I woke up happy to be breathing.

So this dream got me thinking…. Life is unpredictable. One second you could be on top of the world and the next you could lose it all. Vice versa, you could have nothing and look up one day and you damn near have it all. Wouldn’t that be great!

I’ve been in a slump and I really don’t know what’s got me down. I could just say it’s the month of February (this is a really bad time of year for me, ironically being my birthday month) but it actually started mid year last year. I do believe however that February has made it worse. But that’s a story for another time. I may have mentioned it in some random post I’ve created but I have no clue. Anyway back on track….

‘You could have nothing and look up one day and damn near have it all’. I don’t feel that I have nothing at least not externally. I’ve got family and friends who care about me… I guess. It more seems to be just friends at times. I have the best living arrangements I could ask for being a college student. My boyfriend is the best, I probably should tell him that more often. I’m for the most part healthy, a few issues here and there with injury and other medical stuff. I’m at an amazing college playing soccer with the most amazing teammates. I have stuff, so much stuff. I’ve got more than I need. So why is it that life feels so hard.

Internally, something is missing. I’m not sure what it is, but it bothers me on a daily basis. The longer I am in this hole, the more I find myself taking it out on other people. I am a very sarcastic person, but my tone has gone almost beyond sarcasm to straight mean. I am very short with people. The smallest things make me want to take a sledge hammer to someones car. I have a bad memory, but it seems to be getting worse the longer this goes on as well. Happiness is short lived. It’s just a huge unseeable mess. I try to hide it. I’m not sure how well I’m doing at it but if I can I want to keep others from knowing about it. I don’t want people to worry about me cause I’m only me.

So apart of me feels like I have nothing. Material things are great, but really they mean nothing to me in the long run. The dream I had last night kind of forced me to make an attempt at tackling this issue. Not that I think someone is after me and will kill me lol but that anything could happen. I really want to get out of this slump. I’m still  trying to figure out what it actually is so I guess it is going to take a while. I hope not too long. I want to be able to wake up and be happy to be starting my day!

This is all just a bunch of random thoughts that I needed to get out. I was lying in bed and just letting them sit in my head was not doing them justice. It may do some good to get my thoughts out into a solid form. Jumbled up in my head it makes little sense. Writing it down, or i guess typing, puts it into a little more perspective for me. If you read this sorry for the depressing post. Well I will stop here. Hopefully my next post is a little more positive.Have a great day or night. Whichever 🙂

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