At 22, I have no idea who I am. Not that I thought I would have it all figured out. However, I did believe I would have at least an idea. There are so many times I thought I was making progress just to reach the end of a road left with no new path. I often look at the life I’ve lived so far and wondered what the purpose is. Dreams I did have are passed the point of possibility and those I have left are so far out of reach I’m not sure going for it would be worth the hassle. In all actuality it is more likely I would fail anyway. Not to mention the though of if I would actually want to go through with it. Nothing like going into something and realizing it sucks.I used to think I knew where I was going with this whole blog thing. HA. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I really have no idea what the purpose was of me starting this blog…. I look at old posts and none of it is consistent. Just a big reminder of how confused I am.
I’m lost. Ask me any question about myself and if I’m truly answering, you won’t get a definite answer. I can’t think of a question that I can answer with a wholehearted answer and be completely sure of. I’ll answer with possibilities, confusion, and indecision. Why? Because after 22 years I still know nothing about the person creating this post. I tend to ignore the topic changing the subject or turning questions geared toward me back on the person or anyone else other than myself. I feel so dumb. What person doesn’t know anything about who they are…. like anything. I can tell you fact things like where I was born, race, who my parents are, but none of that really matters when it comes down to it.
I tend to brush it aside like it doesn’t bother me, because admitting I am so confused hurts so much. I look at myself and realize I don’t know a damn thing. What is the point? With no clue, no purpose, I am merely a waste of space. Why then am I here? You know what I hear in response to that? Crickets….
I watch other people and they seem to have it all together. They don’t, I know. Still, something is different. Maybe their thinking, their reaction, or maybe they are just as lost as I am and just as good at hiding the pain. I scream inside when people tell me they are so proud of who I’ve become, or what I’ve accomplished, or the amazing adult I’ve become. Yes, I have graduated, high school and college, yet I have no idea what to do with my life. Hardly something to be proud of in my book.
I’ve tried so many times to dive into my thoughts, see if I can’t find what I’m looking for. It seems though that every time I feel like I might make a dent I stop. I stop writing, stop blogging, stop reading, stop watching, I stop thinking. The frustration is so overwhelming I basically stop everything. I need to work on tat. I suppose that is my first step.
I don’t tend to finish what I begin so it’s possible I’ll continue this journey even though I currently don’t see the point. More likely I’ll give up on it, so we will see. Even as I finish this I’m thinking how stupid it is, how ridiculous this whole post sounds, so pathetic. So maybe I will post again maybe I won’t, who knows.