At 22 I have no idea who I am

 

At 22, I have no idea who I am. Not that I thought I would have it all figured out. However, I did believe I would have at least an idea. There are so many times I thought I was making progress just to reach the end of a road left with no new path. I often look at the life I’ve lived so far and wondered what the purpose is. Dreams I did have are passed the point of possibility and those I have left are so far out of reach I’m not sure going for it would be worth the hassle. In all actuality it is more likely I would fail anyway. Not to mention the though of if I would actually want to go through with it. Nothing like going into something and realizing it sucks.I used to think I knew where I was going with this whole blog thing. HA. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I really have no idea what the purpose was of me starting this blog…. I look at old posts and none of it is consistent. Just a big reminder of how confused I am.

I’m lost. Ask me any question about myself and if I’m truly answering, you won’t get a definite answer. I can’t think of a question that I can answer with a wholehearted answer and be completely sure of. I’ll answer with possibilities, confusion, and indecision. Why? Because after 22 years I still know nothing about the person creating this post. I tend to ignore the topic changing the subject or turning questions geared toward me back on the person or anyone else other than myself. I feel so dumb. What person doesn’t know anything about who they are…. like anything. I can tell you fact things like where I was born, race, who my parents are, but none of that really matters when it comes down to it.

I tend to brush it aside like it doesn’t bother me, because admitting I am so confused hurts so much. I look at myself and realize I don’t know a damn thing. What is the point? With no clue, no purpose, I am merely a waste of space. Why then am I here? You know what I hear in response to that? Crickets….

I watch other people and they seem to have it all together. They don’t, I know.  Still, something is different. Maybe their thinking, their reaction, or maybe they are just as lost as I am and just as good at hiding the pain. I scream inside when people tell me they are so proud of who I’ve become, or what I’ve accomplished, or the amazing adult I’ve become. Yes, I have graduated, high school and college, yet I have no idea what to do with my life. Hardly something to be proud of in my book.

I’ve tried so many times to dive into my thoughts, see if I can’t find what I’m looking for. It seems though that every time I feel like I might make a dent I stop. I stop writing, stop blogging, stop reading, stop watching, I stop thinking. The frustration is so overwhelming I basically stop everything. I need to work on tat. I suppose that is my first step.

I don’t tend to finish what I begin so it’s possible I’ll continue this journey even though I currently don’t see the point. More likely I’ll give up on it, so we will see. Even as I finish this I’m thinking how stupid it is, how ridiculous this whole post sounds, so pathetic. So maybe I will post again maybe I won’t, who knows.

Minor Set Back

So, I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Had a soccer game and demolished my ankle saving my keeper from having to make a 6000th save by sticking my foot out to stop a guy from taking a shot with 20sec left in the game. He didn’t get his shot off, so minus the instant pain that came I was satisfied with the outcome and we ended up winning 1-0 to go to semifinals. I obviously couldn’t play but we did good in that game until the end we sort of ran out of gas. Could not walk on it much after the game yesterday and today when I woke up it was even worse with excruciating pain. Decided I needed to get checked out in fear it was broken so went to the walk in orthopedic clinic this morning. Lucky me it’s just a bad sprain. In a boot for the time being and no soccer for at least 2 weeks. That’s going to be torture but I’ll be alright haha. This is not what I had planned to talk about today, but the pain really has my mind off track. I will get back to my planned schedule tomorrow.

In the future Tuesdays will be anything that comes to mind , so guess it’ll just be my random day and Wednesdays will be dedicated to psychology topics. I dream of becoming a sports psychologist so many of the topics will probably focus on that.

Anyway, I just felt I needed to put some kind of post up today. I’ve lost my everyday this year goal but life happens and if I only miss a few days out of the whole year, that will still be a major accomplishment for me. Have a great night or day everyone and be safe.

The Letter He Will Never See

I never thought that I would feel like this. Like I was the biggest ass in all of existence. Many months into our relationship and I basically watched it fall apart in the last three. I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy yet we tried to make it work as if by chance some spark of magic would fall on us and bid us okay. Depression is a bitch. I watched you struggle through it and I tried so hard to be there for you. I may not be the romantic that you wanted me to be, but it my own way I was still trying to be there for you and look out for you.

The day I said I couldn’t take this anymore I had reached my end. I needed a break even if that be a month or two apart I could not keep going on the way we were. You continuously said it would get better as soon as this happened or after that could happen. I didn’t see the day and honestly I was falling into a hole of my own. I thought that by helping you out of yours I could spring myself from my own. I didn’t know that I would not succeed. I did not see that by attempting to help you I was dismembering myself. Little by little my hole became deeper and although I couldn’t see you anymore I could still hear your pain and even though I was trapped myself, I still wanted to help you. You went through so much while we were together and secretly I did too. I couldn’t let you know because I felt I needed to be there for you. How could I do that if I were wallowing in my own self-pity. We did have good times, I do admit that. The pain I held inside was sadly greater.

I don’t blame you, I never did. You blamed yourself for my decision but its basis was in a flaw I saw in myself. I thought that by getting into a relationship I would somehow fix the issues that I already have with myself. I really am starting to believe that it is impossible for one to love another without loving themselves. That was me. I tried to fake it thinking that maybe eventually the feeling I wanted to have would be there. I really do care for you, but I was so wrong in thinking the relationship would work. I was hurting both of us by knowing I could not be there the way I should be yet trying anyway. By the time I realized that I couldn’t do this I was afraid to hurt you. You don’t know how long it actually took me to find the right words to say and even now I don’t feel that I said them right. I care for you so much that I couldn’t stand to think of the pain my decision would cause you. At least not face to face. I felt that I needed to be strong in my decision. Why I don’t know, but I didn’t want you to see the pain it was causing me to say goodbye. When it came down to it I felt like the full responsibility for our downfall was on me. Your choices afterward also held me to believe that the whole ordeal was my fault. I am truly sorry. I even confessed that to you.

So why is it that you drag me down further with your words? You say I never cared when I shelved my own struggles to help you with yours. You say I lied to you, that I didn’t stick to my word when my word meant nothing to you because you kept pursuing me even after I and countless others made it clear that I needed time and space. You say it meant nothing to me when I’ve spent the past 2 weeks beating myself up crying and growing more isolated than ever because I don’t know if I made the right decision. Therefore when it comes to us falling apart I completely blame myself and likely always will, but I blame you for the barrier that will now forever separate us.

Fighting a Case of the Blues

It’s strange how an event, small or big, can get the gears turning in your brain. I had a dream last night that I was killed. Crazy right? I spent the remainder of the dream trying to relay to my family and friends what actually happened. Being dead didn’t exactly help that mission. I woke up happy to be breathing.

So this dream got me thinking…. Life is unpredictable. One second you could be on top of the world and the next you could lose it all. Vice versa, you could have nothing and look up one day and you damn near have it all. Wouldn’t that be great!

I’ve been in a slump and I really don’t know what’s got me down. I could just say it’s the month of February (this is a really bad time of year for me, ironically being my birthday month) but it actually started mid year last year. I do believe however that February has made it worse. But that’s a story for another time. I may have mentioned it in some random post I’ve created but I have no clue. Anyway back on track….

‘You could have nothing and look up one day and damn near have it all’. I don’t feel that I have nothing at least not externally. I’ve got family and friends who care about me… I guess. It more seems to be just friends at times. I have the best living arrangements I could ask for being a college student. My boyfriend is the best, I probably should tell him that more often. I’m for the most part healthy, a few issues here and there with injury and other medical stuff. I’m at an amazing college playing soccer with the most amazing teammates. I have stuff, so much stuff. I’ve got more than I need. So why is it that life feels so hard.

Internally, something is missing. I’m not sure what it is, but it bothers me on a daily basis. The longer I am in this hole, the more I find myself taking it out on other people. I am a very sarcastic person, but my tone has gone almost beyond sarcasm to straight mean. I am very short with people. The smallest things make me want to take a sledge hammer to someones car. I have a bad memory, but it seems to be getting worse the longer this goes on as well. Happiness is short lived. It’s just a huge unseeable mess. I try to hide it. I’m not sure how well I’m doing at it but if I can I want to keep others from knowing about it. I don’t want people to worry about me cause I’m only me.

So apart of me feels like I have nothing. Material things are great, but really they mean nothing to me in the long run. The dream I had last night kind of forced me to make an attempt at tackling this issue. Not that I think someone is after me and will kill me lol but that anything could happen. I really want to get out of this slump. I’m still  trying to figure out what it actually is so I guess it is going to take a while. I hope not too long. I want to be able to wake up and be happy to be starting my day!

This is all just a bunch of random thoughts that I needed to get out. I was lying in bed and just letting them sit in my head was not doing them justice. It may do some good to get my thoughts out into a solid form. Jumbled up in my head it makes little sense. Writing it down, or i guess typing, puts it into a little more perspective for me. If you read this sorry for the depressing post. Well I will stop here. Hopefully my next post is a little more positive.Have a great day or night. Whichever 🙂

When Needed, Get Help!!

I’m not really sure what made me want to post today. This whole blog thing has been a fail on my part. Not because I don’t like it, I really do. Before this site I used to blog more often. At first I thought blogging was all about numbers. How many views, how many followers, etc. Then I came to realize it really wasn’t. It was like I was talking to myself, and I even came to decisions just but thinking something out it a post. Must have seemed crazy at times. I’m sure it literally looked like I was talking to myself LOL! But once it shut down I fell away from it for a while and then looked here to maybe pick back up. Whatever it is blocking my blogging path, I hope it diminishes soon. For now I guess I am just going to try to make it work as well as I can. I babble a lot, so if anyone is reading this I sincerely apologize.

So, the past couple months I have been struggling big time with figure out my classes. I have three online classes…. that suck, but I have to take them because that is the only way they are offered. I have terrible time management issues and online classes bring that out the worst in me. I recently forgot a deadline that was a huge deal and decided I needed to talk to a few people. So after talking to a few professors, my coach, and an advisor, I believe I am going to be okay.

The truth is I should have gotten help sooner. I knew the issues I was having with classes and instead of getting help I got frustrated and pushed things off. Well that went well, now in one of my classes the highest grade I can receive is a B. That’s not terrible but the fact is that I have to get all A’s for that to be accomplished so now I have to work extra hard.

My coach put me in contact with someone who is helping me with my time management issues. We had a meeting today and now I have schedule days and times that I have to study which is probably a good thing. I thought that studying at home would be fine since for the majority of time being there I would be alone but there are so many distractions. Food, television, that book that is misplaced, the pictures that I still need to hang up, the clothes I need to fold and put away…. point is there are way to many distractions for me. Having a small cubicle of an area to study might just be what I need to keep me on task. She gave me a weekly calendar that has what times I have open each day of the week. Main purpose to find time to mark of as study time.

I have never been so frustrated with myself. Okay I take that back, I haven’t been so frustrated with myself in terms of school related issues. Finally talking with people about my issue was definitely what is helping me get out of this mess I made. Sometimes the help you need is staring you in the face and all you need to do is ask and BOOM life just got a little easier. There are so many things causing stress in my life right now. Wrestling this time management issue is definitely going to lighten the load. Even if just a small portion.

My advice, when you need help ask. No matter how small or big. SOMEONE will be able to help. Just have to find the right people. They are there with open arms ready to assist.

A little update

This sporadic posting thing is kind of not cool. Im seriously working on getting on a schedule set. Anyway, hello!! How is your day?

Quick talk of my weekend: Ive been out of town since Thursday and just getting back home this morning. The longest, slowest weekend I’ve had in a long time. Probably the slowest gun show I’ve been to. The fact that my dad decided it a great idea to get into selling ammo sucks sometimes because carrying in 10,000lbs of ammo gets really tiring and the system we have as of now is probably the worse well minus carrying one case at a time. That would be the death of me. Especially since this is a near every weekend thing. Despite my complaining, I enjoy spending the time with my dad and on top of that I get paid so it’s not that bad in the end.

Today starts my push towards getting ready for my soccer season. I am so excited for this season coming up. We have been so close and this year could be the year that we do big things. Im a little nervous about our workouts. My coach has been excited about crossfit and I’ve only heard and suffered bad effects from it. I know there are a lot of lovers of crossfit but honestly, I think it’s dangerous and not worth the risk. Plus the crossfit trainers don’t have the education that other exercise coaches/trainers have. But, that’s all I have to say about that. 

I’ve been working a lot on my poetry lately and probably will be posting a few poems here soon. I just wanted to get something on here though. I’ve been peeking in on other posts but as for me actually posting myself, Ive not been keeping up. This is going to get fixed. Preferably sooner than later. 

Have a great day!!!! Smile at someone today. You might just make their day.

Gosh darn life!!!!

First and foremost I would like to say help!!!

I have not been on in a while. Quite depressing but I’m back. Had a lot going on starting last Friday and driving all the way up to now. If you don’t want to hear about the current struggles I am facing then I invite you to click away now cause it starts in

3….

2….

1….

Now!!!!

Okay so lets start with Friday. I left for a gun show and while setting up I got a call from my mom that our cousin had passed away. It wasn’t sudden she had been having many problems with seizures and strokes and after having more than multiple strokes and just wasn’t able to hold on any longer. She was really close to us so that was hard news to take.

Then comes the part when I can actually smile and say something good has happened. During this show I got to spend some time with a guy I like and we’ve gotten a lot closer since then. Thankfully he is helping me through the slump right now and has been very understanding so that is amazing.

Sunday night I was walking around in the dark and noticed that I was not seeing correctly so after about 5 minutes of trying to figure out why I felt so weird and why I couldn’t see right I realized that my vision blurs out on the left side. The strange thing is this only happens in the dark. I wasn’t concerned at first but it keeps happening so now Im getting a little worried. So if anyone knows of anything this could be that be great. If not, my dad is forcing me to go see a doctor which leads me to my next part.

Monday my gma wanted to go to the store so as we were going I lost power steering and my battery light starting dinging at me so I took it to a shop which then they told me that I have multiple wears in my van and bolts lose that are making my belt pop off which obviously is not good but making it worse to do the repairs they said I needed I would have to be rich…. lol I am hoping I can just buy the parts I need and have someone do it, no worries the place that would do it knows what they are doing they just require buying the parts yourself. But I was told that  it would cut down on the cost possibly more than half. So good news in a flood of misery.

Tuesday I had soccer training and by the end of it breathing was so hard I couldn’t move for a while. Now I would go out and say that it’s just because I’m not in as good of shape as I was earlier but that’s false and I was breathing fine at practice this morning. The problem has only been occurring when I’m in cold air so my trainer recommending having my doctor check it out.

Might as well continue into yesterday. It was actually not a bad day but one of the girls on my team was in a car accident and that was pretty bad. She’s already been having problems and now after the accident she’s in even more pain than before so I’m a little concerned about her. She’s doing okay but you can tell that she is in a lot of pain.

Today I had practice super early, woke up at 5 this morning. No problem though. Once I took my shower I was wide awake. During the workout I felt something not right with my arm and for the majority of the day it has been bothering me so I went to the trainer and she said I did something to something to my tricep, which I guess according to her is really hard to do so that sucks. I can’t put much weight on it. Holding my head on my hand is out of the question and I can’t lift my arm over my head or even bend it without pain so that’s just awesome.

Then later today my card was declined and when I checked out my account realized that I had forgot to cancel a subscription that I don’t want anymore. What’s terrible about this is I needed the money that they took from my account to pay for my meds, my car, doc apptment, and soccer stuff. I sent them an email hoping that they will be understanding, which so far dealing with them they have been so hopefully they can help me out. Adding to soccer, I have practice in the morning and now my gma is upset because she swears I didn’t tell her I  couldn’t take her to work in the morning. I thought I told her but my memory is bad so she could very well be right. I feel bad but she said she has some personal days that she needs to use so I guess that’ll be fine.

So that leads up to now. After the most eventful week I’ve had in a long time I actually have time to relax and enjoy releasing some of my frustration. Just putting all this out here doesn’t not solve much but it definitely just relaxed me a bit more.  

I guess the way I see these events is that things could be worse…. it’s hard to see it sometimes but it’s true. There’s someone out there with problems that would make mine seem miniscule. Everything that has been going on definitely have me super stressed and when you add school work on top of that it adds to my anxiety. I just feel like punching a wall right now. Probably would mess up my arm even more but man it’s so tempting looking on everything going on. I might be at a rough spot right now but I’ll get through it. Stuff happens but we gotta keep going right. Life is a crazy ride but it’s one worth getting on. The typing is starting to get to me and is making my arm really sore so I guess I shall hit publish post and be done for the night.

See you soon. I will have free time now that I have a free weekend to get caught up on everything, thank goodness!!

Memory and Organization Problems

With the new semester beginning next week I’ve been doing a lot of small things to get ready for the semester. It seems that every time I start I begin organized and ready to go and it all falls apart after the first or second week. I’ve got to keep my grades up and get them even higher if I want to reach my goals. I’m not sure what goes wrong but it hasn’t failed to happen yet. This semester I want to make a change to stay organized in all my classes and make this the best semester I’ve ever had. One of the biggest problems I’ve noticed is remembering deadlines. I’ve tried keeping a planner and that has not helped in fact its added to what I have to remember which makes it even more difficult for me. If anyone has any input on what I could try I am up for any suggestions. I recently got a whiteboard calendar hoping that it will help me at least a small amount in remember things. One other thing I have tried is putting deadlines in my phone but even then I find that it does not help or I forget to put it down all together. I’m running out of ideas. It’s getting really bad and since my concussion at the beginning of the school year its been that much harder. However this problem started long before my concussion. Forgetting stuff doesn’t just affect school but it is the most important thing to me that it is affecting. I’ve heard stuff about memory training, maybe I should look into that. Wouldn’t hurt anything I guess. I’ve got to do something that’s for sure.

My Life. My decisions.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

This quote sets deep with me today. So here’s the story. I met a guy over this weekend and we’ve been somewhat talking. Nothing serious but of course my mom is already saying well don’t go to far to fast, how do you know he likes you, what if he doesn’t except you for who you are, what if he hurts you? These are all good comments and questions but there’s this boundary that she needs to stay on the other side of. No I don’t think my mom needs to know every detail of my personal life but yes I do feel that at some point if this guy and I actually come to like each other then she should meet him. I met the guy 2 days ago so I’m not going to all of a sudden want to marry him. I know better than that and my mom should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t do that. It’s insane and sadly I’ve seen those close to me do things like this and lets just say they didn’t end well. So where does this quote come in? Here’s the thing, if I never take a chance, I’ll never achieve anything. How can I ever fall in love…. without falling in love? I can’t. Will I get hurt? Possibly, very possible. But life goes on. What will I have accomplished. I will have learned something about myself that I might not have been aware of before hand. I might find that letting another person into my life is a good thing even though I’m scared to death of letting people in. In the end it’s not about my mom’s rash opinion of some guy she’s never even met, but about me experiencing life. I want to live, and not be held back by possibilities. Today was an eye opener for me and after the conversation with my mom today, I hope she realizes that she can’t live my life for me. She has to let me live, let me make decisions, good or bad. I can handle my mistakes. However, I’m not sure how I would respond to a decision my mom made for me.

On a different note, snowed in. Crazy winter weather and in a state of emergency. This sucks…. a lot lol. I need to move away from cold weather, its depressing to me. I don’t like cold weather let alone this fluffy white snow sticking to everything it touches. Eewww I despise winter. Nevertheless I’m all smiles going to sleep tonight. I’m not going to let disagreements and bad weather get me down tonight. No way!!!! Good night or good morning if that applies to you.