Current Music List

I felt the need to talk about something and I don’t feel like talking to people I know, so here I am. If I keep to myself much longer I might explode. I thought it’d be interesting to share my current top song list. It consists of 6 songs at this point in time, but I worn you very depressing. If you click on the song I linked it to a youtube of the song. Although I doubt any one is reading. I’m so on and off on this site that I’m sure no one cares much about what I have to say. But then again no one probably did at first anyway. Oh well.

Well lets get to this list….

6. Numb – Linkin Park

5. This Cannot Mend – Projected Twin

4. Caged Bird – Alicia Keys

3. Never Too Late – Three Days Grace

2. Last Resort – Papa Roach

1.Down – Jason Walker

Another thing about this list is these songs are quite old but I feel that older songs have more meaning than most songs now. I’ve had some interesting events happen the past few weeks and these songs are the only songs consistently going through my head. Alright, that is all.


Family of Strangers

For day 4 of blogging 101 I want to put out a poem that I have recently finished. Its a very personal poem to me, but I want to get it out there. I’ve written so many poems and have just kept them to myself and now I’m trying to figure out how much good it does me when I keep them too myself. The whole idea behind me writing poetry was to get my point across and make meaning of the things happening around me. It does little good to write them if no one will ever read them. I may as well have kept  them in my brain. So with no further delay I guess this is where I start.


Another family reunion filled with so much happiness

Yet, so much frustration and sorrow

I’m happy to see them and share laughs and memories

However I watch those I call family and I can’t help but feel a void

It’s not that they don’t except me

I know with all my heart I am loved

Still there’s a voice in my head saying

“You don’t belong”

I know my family

But, I don’t know them

And they don’t know me

I watch them

Intrigued by their connections

Envying the relationships they share

They know each other well

I’m turned inward

I stand behind my shield

I interact but am careful not to get too close

Not to get in too deep

In my experience that is when everything comes crashing down

Sensing if they knew the full me

No longer would I be accepted

We will share a few laughs

Then at the end of the day, head our separate ways

Restoring the distances between us

I have no one but myself to blame

I continue to distance myself from them

It’s a family reunion

But when I look around

I see strangers

Blogging 101…. The catch up

Hi all. My name is Alyssa. I began blogging a while ago, but somewhere along the line I got side tracked and began to slack off and not doing the blogs on a regular basis and eventually not doing the blog at all. So I was glad to see I could give it another shot with blogging 101. I have sporadically been on and off of wordpress blogging randomly, but I would like to make it a more consistent thing. I obviously am off to a bad start, already late in my start to the program. It has been a rough week, but that’s beyond the point. Today I spend catching up on what I missed.

With this blog I want to write about life. Not necessarily mine, but life in general. Through poetry and writing, mainly poetry, I have made it through 21 years. It seems so short a time yet at the same time so long. I want to get my opinions out there. They sit in a book on my desk, but no one ever hears or sees the true me. No one knows my real views and outlooks. Subjects I’m interested in vary, however, psychology is my main interest. Hopefully blogging 101 (this time) gets me on the track I’ve been wanting to follow.

As far as the task for day 2, my title and tagline will stay the same. It reflects what my goal is. As I stated above, I’ve kept my outlooks, views, experiences, and stories to myself for so long, it’s time to share them. Day 3, I shall find some new blogs to follow, etc. Day 4 will be in the post directly following this one, and as for my theme, I’ve tried others and still love the one I have. Look at me catching up lol. Now to post my day 4 blog. 🙂 There’s hope for me yet!!

At this point, I’m not even sure what this is. Blog, whatever. I guess its like my random diary lol. Every time I go to blog I look at the blank screen, read some blogs that I follow, go back to the blank screen and its like eh I don’t have anything important to say, maybe tomorrow. Yeah that’s worked real well. I’m not sure why I am actually blogging right now but I felt the urge. Sooooooo hello to any person who for some reason decides to read this.

I have been working on a few poems. I finished one, the others are still a work in progress. Maybe eventually I will post them on here, but something about that scares me. The problems is I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s me thinking the poems aren’t good enough, or the thought that someone could use my work. I don’t really know. Maybe in the next few days I will post a few. We will see what transpires over the next few days.


Alright maybe I will actually pick this blog up off the ground. Would be nice. Awkward post ending now.

Until next time.

The Letter He Will Never See

I never thought that I would feel like this. Like I was the biggest ass in all of existence. Many months into our relationship and I basically watched it fall apart in the last three. I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy yet we tried to make it work as if by chance some spark of magic would fall on us and bid us okay. Depression is a bitch. I watched you struggle through it and I tried so hard to be there for you. I may not be the romantic that you wanted me to be, but it my own way I was still trying to be there for you and look out for you.

The day I said I couldn’t take this anymore I had reached my end. I needed a break even if that be a month or two apart I could not keep going on the way we were. You continuously said it would get better as soon as this happened or after that could happen. I didn’t see the day and honestly I was falling into a hole of my own. I thought that by helping you out of yours I could spring myself from my own. I didn’t know that I would not succeed. I did not see that by attempting to help you I was dismembering myself. Little by little my hole became deeper and although I couldn’t see you anymore I could still hear your pain and even though I was trapped myself, I still wanted to help you. You went through so much while we were together and secretly I did too. I couldn’t let you know because I felt I needed to be there for you. How could I do that if I were wallowing in my own self-pity. We did have good times, I do admit that. The pain I held inside was sadly greater.

I don’t blame you, I never did. You blamed yourself for my decision but its basis was in a flaw I saw in myself. I thought that by getting into a relationship I would somehow fix the issues that I already have with myself. I really am starting to believe that it is impossible for one to love another without loving themselves. That was me. I tried to fake it thinking that maybe eventually the feeling I wanted to have would be there. I really do care for you, but I was so wrong in thinking the relationship would work. I was hurting both of us by knowing I could not be there the way I should be yet trying anyway. By the time I realized that I couldn’t do this I was afraid to hurt you. You don’t know how long it actually took me to find the right words to say and even now I don’t feel that I said them right. I care for you so much that I couldn’t stand to think of the pain my decision would cause you. At least not face to face. I felt that I needed to be strong in my decision. Why I don’t know, but I didn’t want you to see the pain it was causing me to say goodbye. When it came down to it I felt like the full responsibility for our downfall was on me. Your choices afterward also held me to believe that the whole ordeal was my fault. I am truly sorry. I even confessed that to you.

So why is it that you drag me down further with your words? You say I never cared when I shelved my own struggles to help you with yours. You say I lied to you, that I didn’t stick to my word when my word meant nothing to you because you kept pursuing me even after I and countless others made it clear that I needed time and space. You say it meant nothing to me when I’ve spent the past 2 weeks beating myself up crying and growing more isolated than ever because I don’t know if I made the right decision. Therefore when it comes to us falling apart I completely blame myself and likely always will, but I blame you for the barrier that will now forever separate us.

Fighting a Case of the Blues

It’s strange how an event, small or big, can get the gears turning in your brain. I had a dream last night that I was killed. Crazy right? I spent the remainder of the dream trying to relay to my family and friends what actually happened. Being dead didn’t exactly help that mission. I woke up happy to be breathing.

So this dream got me thinking…. Life is unpredictable. One second you could be on top of the world and the next you could lose it all. Vice versa, you could have nothing and look up one day and you damn near have it all. Wouldn’t that be great!

I’ve been in a slump and I really don’t know what’s got me down. I could just say it’s the month of February (this is a really bad time of year for me, ironically being my birthday month) but it actually started mid year last year. I do believe however that February has made it worse. But that’s a story for another time. I may have mentioned it in some random post I’ve created but I have no clue. Anyway back on track….

‘You could have nothing and look up one day and damn near have it all’. I don’t feel that I have nothing at least not externally. I’ve got family and friends who care about me… I guess. It more seems to be just friends at times. I have the best living arrangements I could ask for being a college student. My boyfriend is the best, I probably should tell him that more often. I’m for the most part healthy, a few issues here and there with injury and other medical stuff. I’m at an amazing college playing soccer with the most amazing teammates. I have stuff, so much stuff. I’ve got more than I need. So why is it that life feels so hard.

Internally, something is missing. I’m not sure what it is, but it bothers me on a daily basis. The longer I am in this hole, the more I find myself taking it out on other people. I am a very sarcastic person, but my tone has gone almost beyond sarcasm to straight mean. I am very short with people. The smallest things make me want to take a sledge hammer to someones car. I have a bad memory, but it seems to be getting worse the longer this goes on as well. Happiness is short lived. It’s just a huge unseeable mess. I try to hide it. I’m not sure how well I’m doing at it but if I can I want to keep others from knowing about it. I don’t want people to worry about me cause I’m only me.

So apart of me feels like I have nothing. Material things are great, but really they mean nothing to me in the long run. The dream I had last night kind of forced me to make an attempt at tackling this issue. Not that I think someone is after me and will kill me lol but that anything could happen. I really want to get out of this slump. I’m still  trying to figure out what it actually is so I guess it is going to take a while. I hope not too long. I want to be able to wake up and be happy to be starting my day!

This is all just a bunch of random thoughts that I needed to get out. I was lying in bed and just letting them sit in my head was not doing them justice. It may do some good to get my thoughts out into a solid form. Jumbled up in my head it makes little sense. Writing it down, or i guess typing, puts it into a little more perspective for me. If you read this sorry for the depressing post. Well I will stop here. Hopefully my next post is a little more positive.Have a great day or night. Whichever 🙂

When Needed, Get Help!!

I’m not really sure what made me want to post today. This whole blog thing has been a fail on my part. Not because I don’t like it, I really do. Before this site I used to blog more often. At first I thought blogging was all about numbers. How many views, how many followers, etc. Then I came to realize it really wasn’t. It was like I was talking to myself, and I even came to decisions just but thinking something out it a post. Must have seemed crazy at times. I’m sure it literally looked like I was talking to myself LOL! But once it shut down I fell away from it for a while and then looked here to maybe pick back up. Whatever it is blocking my blogging path, I hope it diminishes soon. For now I guess I am just going to try to make it work as well as I can. I babble a lot, so if anyone is reading this I sincerely apologize.

So, the past couple months I have been struggling big time with figure out my classes. I have three online classes…. that suck, but I have to take them because that is the only way they are offered. I have terrible time management issues and online classes bring that out the worst in me. I recently forgot a deadline that was a huge deal and decided I needed to talk to a few people. So after talking to a few professors, my coach, and an advisor, I believe I am going to be okay.

The truth is I should have gotten help sooner. I knew the issues I was having with classes and instead of getting help I got frustrated and pushed things off. Well that went well, now in one of my classes the highest grade I can receive is a B. That’s not terrible but the fact is that I have to get all A’s for that to be accomplished so now I have to work extra hard.

My coach put me in contact with someone who is helping me with my time management issues. We had a meeting today and now I have schedule days and times that I have to study which is probably a good thing. I thought that studying at home would be fine since for the majority of time being there I would be alone but there are so many distractions. Food, television, that book that is misplaced, the pictures that I still need to hang up, the clothes I need to fold and put away…. point is there are way to many distractions for me. Having a small cubicle of an area to study might just be what I need to keep me on task. She gave me a weekly calendar that has what times I have open each day of the week. Main purpose to find time to mark of as study time.

I have never been so frustrated with myself. Okay I take that back, I haven’t been so frustrated with myself in terms of school related issues. Finally talking with people about my issue was definitely what is helping me get out of this mess I made. Sometimes the help you need is staring you in the face and all you need to do is ask and BOOM life just got a little easier. There are so many things causing stress in my life right now. Wrestling this time management issue is definitely going to lighten the load. Even if just a small portion.

My advice, when you need help ask. No matter how small or big. SOMEONE will be able to help. Just have to find the right people. They are there with open arms ready to assist.

Alphabet Soup (A Return?)

HELLO!!!! It has been a long while since I have posted, so today is my ATTEMPT at getting back to it. I guess the reason I haven’t is I found it particularly difficult, this semester, to JUGGLE schoolwork, soccer, and the rest of my life. So in the end I found myself falling behind in all aspects. Now that the semester has ended, I have time to try to pick things back up. What better way than to kick off with a prompt, a very INTERESTING one at that! I decided that more than half of my words would be randomly picked by my friends. So that makes this prompt all the more fun.

Over the past few months I have been in this ENDLESS BATTLE with injuries and illnesses…. story of my life it seems. I am completely STUMPED. So many things have been going on that I can’t keep up. I recently acquired a rabbit. She was in a terrible home and I am keeping her for another family until Christmas. I was in FEAR for a while of the POSSIBILITY that I was allergic to her. The result came in that I wasn’t so that was GREAT, but I found out that I have this stupid skin thing going on so that’s dumb. It’s so annoying. I had a QUIVER go down my spine the other day and just that caused pain throughout my body because of it. Then yesterday, found out that my boyfriend is going through a really ROUGH patch and basically feels like he is a complete LOSER, so I am trying to help him stay positive about that. He also recently got an X-RAY for his shoulder and was supposed to get surgery on it Wednesday, but now he doesn’t know if he can do it. I’m trying to KEEP him thinking positive, but its wearing on my hard. I feel like I’m going to lose my MIND. I wish that I could VANISH, just disappear for even a few days, but it’ll be fine. There’s always hopes of a better TOMORROW. Just have to take it one day at a time. The ULTIMATE end will speak for itself. No need to WALLOW in the things I can’t change. It takes COURAGE to get through rough times and the courage is there so it’ll work out. Just need to YIELD to the negative thoughts piling on.

Time to ZIP on to a more uplifting topic. (Wow, that was lame.)  I’m up for a random DANCE party right now! Like so serious! I love going to my moms house and turning on the random jams and just dancing. Usually we look like complete idiots, but that’s okay. What’s better than to look dumb with family. Having a good relationship with family is a NECESSARY key. I don’t have that with all my family, but I am working on it.

So the last word that I was supposed to add in has no meaning to anything that I have to talk about, but I can talk about how crazy it was. So for O I was supposed to use, OBSEQUIES…. um it has something to do with funeral rites? Since I barely know what it is, the likelihood I could have used in intertwining is impossible, but oh well haha. Well I guess that’s all.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Alphabet Soup.”


Can I just go out and say WHAT THE FUCK USA!!!!!!!!!!!! They had the game won and with seconds left let Portugal go and score the freaking equalizer…. WE WERE THROUGH TO THE KNOCKOUT STAGE!!!! THE OTHER GAMES WERENT A BIG DEAL…. well damn…. my heart broke when they scored gaaaaaaaahhh. Oh well now that I’m done with that few seconds of ranting, they’ll be okay. 

So I started coaching the little ones last week and they are a blast! I don’t always want to go but once I get there everything flows smooth lol well at least for the most part. 2-3 year olds get a little rowdy at times lol but so do the 3-4, 6-8 and 8-10 yr olds. It doesn’t help on the days that I have sessions in the morning since I already get up at 5 for workouts. Let me tell you about these past few days though oh my goodness I’ve had a rough one…

Wednesday I took my gma to the hospital and found out another friend was in the hospital, then I lost my keys and thank goodness I found them because I threw them in the trash outside and the next day was trash day….

Thursday I lost my name tag(which could have gotten me written up if I hadn’t found it), found out my cousins brother was in the hospital, found out I had a cousin on life support (breathing on his own now).

Friday I was able to pick my gma up from the hospital but she called me at like 1 I didn’t get her message until 4, I was so tired I didn’t even hear my phone ring.

Saturday I slept until 2 and have had a migraine ever since. I’m probably going to call the doctor tomorrow because it is something I constantly struggle with.

Today I had fitness testing. I didn’t pass any of the tests. It was a practice but what was frustrating was on the second test I failed it by a second…. A FREAKING SECOND!!!! Oh and not to mention I left the windows open in my truck last night my seats are all wet…. 

But I am alive and breathing and I am thankful for that. May have been a rough few days but I’m counting on a better tomorrow so I still have a reason to smile. 🙂 

If you haven’t done so please smile…. like now, I’m waiting!!!!

Have a great day…. or night!! Which ever lol 

A little update

This sporadic posting thing is kind of not cool. Im seriously working on getting on a schedule set. Anyway, hello!! How is your day?

Quick talk of my weekend: Ive been out of town since Thursday and just getting back home this morning. The longest, slowest weekend I’ve had in a long time. Probably the slowest gun show I’ve been to. The fact that my dad decided it a great idea to get into selling ammo sucks sometimes because carrying in 10,000lbs of ammo gets really tiring and the system we have as of now is probably the worse well minus carrying one case at a time. That would be the death of me. Especially since this is a near every weekend thing. Despite my complaining, I enjoy spending the time with my dad and on top of that I get paid so it’s not that bad in the end.

Today starts my push towards getting ready for my soccer season. I am so excited for this season coming up. We have been so close and this year could be the year that we do big things. Im a little nervous about our workouts. My coach has been excited about crossfit and I’ve only heard and suffered bad effects from it. I know there are a lot of lovers of crossfit but honestly, I think it’s dangerous and not worth the risk. Plus the crossfit trainers don’t have the education that other exercise coaches/trainers have. But, that’s all I have to say about that. 

I’ve been working a lot on my poetry lately and probably will be posting a few poems here soon. I just wanted to get something on here though. I’ve been peeking in on other posts but as for me actually posting myself, Ive not been keeping up. This is going to get fixed. Preferably sooner than later. 

Have a great day!!!! Smile at someone today. You might just make their day.