The End

Mondays will be a little like Fridays in that the first Monday of the month will be dedicated to something different than the rest. I decided to dedicate these Mondays to poetry.

I thought about doing a poem every Monday, but I get nervous sharing my poetry, so at least for now I will leave it to just the first Mondays. The rest of the Mondays will have to do with inspiration. Nothing set, but the topic will be inspiration.

The End

I’m living a fractured dream

Broken promises

Awaiting the day my pain will cease to control me

 

I know not true happiness

Upon its first spark

Sadness or annoyance hastily flare in its place

 

I attempt to find relief

But to no avail

Left to watch my efforts become insignificant

 

This life is unforgiving

Forced to stay silent

Overwhelmed with the secrets I keep sheltered inside

 

How much longer can I last

Too tired to be strong

I’m afraid I’ve reached the climax to this hopeless fight

 

At one time I thought in reach

Now I see no light

I was destined to fail even before I began

 

My energy is long gone

My shield has fallen

I’m left defenseless against a stronger opponent

 

Can this really be the end

 

©Kalyssa162

The Letter He Will Never See

I never thought that I would feel like this. Like I was the biggest ass in all of existence. Many months into our relationship and I basically watched it fall apart in the last three. I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy yet we tried to make it work as if by chance some spark of magic would fall on us and bid us okay. Depression is a bitch. I watched you struggle through it and I tried so hard to be there for you. I may not be the romantic that you wanted me to be, but it my own way I was still trying to be there for you and look out for you.

The day I said I couldn’t take this anymore I had reached my end. I needed a break even if that be a month or two apart I could not keep going on the way we were. You continuously said it would get better as soon as this happened or after that could happen. I didn’t see the day and honestly I was falling into a hole of my own. I thought that by helping you out of yours I could spring myself from my own. I didn’t know that I would not succeed. I did not see that by attempting to help you I was dismembering myself. Little by little my hole became deeper and although I couldn’t see you anymore I could still hear your pain and even though I was trapped myself, I still wanted to help you. You went through so much while we were together and secretly I did too. I couldn’t let you know because I felt I needed to be there for you. How could I do that if I were wallowing in my own self-pity. We did have good times, I do admit that. The pain I held inside was sadly greater.

I don’t blame you, I never did. You blamed yourself for my decision but its basis was in a flaw I saw in myself. I thought that by getting into a relationship I would somehow fix the issues that I already have with myself. I really am starting to believe that it is impossible for one to love another without loving themselves. That was me. I tried to fake it thinking that maybe eventually the feeling I wanted to have would be there. I really do care for you, but I was so wrong in thinking the relationship would work. I was hurting both of us by knowing I could not be there the way I should be yet trying anyway. By the time I realized that I couldn’t do this I was afraid to hurt you. You don’t know how long it actually took me to find the right words to say and even now I don’t feel that I said them right. I care for you so much that I couldn’t stand to think of the pain my decision would cause you. At least not face to face. I felt that I needed to be strong in my decision. Why I don’t know, but I didn’t want you to see the pain it was causing me to say goodbye. When it came down to it I felt like the full responsibility for our downfall was on me. Your choices afterward also held me to believe that the whole ordeal was my fault. I am truly sorry. I even confessed that to you.

So why is it that you drag me down further with your words? You say I never cared when I shelved my own struggles to help you with yours. You say I lied to you, that I didn’t stick to my word when my word meant nothing to you because you kept pursuing me even after I and countless others made it clear that I needed time and space. You say it meant nothing to me when I’ve spent the past 2 weeks beating myself up crying and growing more isolated than ever because I don’t know if I made the right decision. Therefore when it comes to us falling apart I completely blame myself and likely always will, but I blame you for the barrier that will now forever separate us.