Realizations from the Vault

I won’t say I’m back because frankly, I don’t know. I’ve experimented on other sites, didn’t like it and then let blogging go all together and yeah I don’t know. Tonight as I sit here I feel an urge to just write. I think it wasn’t any of the sites, it was just how I felt. Nothing to say.

There are a lot of things that I have realized over the last year or so. Some good some bad, all the same I’ve learned from them.

1. People come and go, yes that is something we hear all the time. But I never thought it would hurt me so damn much. Death, that has always been hard for me to grasp for me to be able to except. However, those who are alive and well and for whatever reason become… strangers. That gets me. Hard… you think you’re family, friends, significant other will be there forever. Then something happens and it’s forever changed. WHO KNEW FAMILY TOO!?!? I’m probably the only one who didn’t know… that’s okay.

2. You get used to the darkness. It becomes your best friend. Venturing out from that is scarier than just sitting in the darkness you are dealing with. Not to say it’s a good thing because it’s not. You can’t stay there forever it will continue to damage you. But it’s comfortable. It’s what you know. Maybe it’s a fear of making a bigger darkness, but no….. that doesn’t make sense. You can”t make the darkness any bigger once it’s set in. You can only bring light in. So wear shades.

3. Drinking doesn’t solve shit! The crash is worse than the few hours of “freedom”. Why feel good for a little bit just to feel 100x worse on the crash. This is more of a recent discovery. I have a point and when I reach that point I know to stop drinking. I hit that point this time and decided what the hell let’s do it and boy did I pay for it.

4. Drinking leads me to this realization. There really are people who are care, people who just care about people. I didn’t think so. People don’t genuinely care about other people. I thought this might be a false feeling I had. Like I’m just pretending that I care about this people it has to be somehow turning back on me. Isn’t that crazy to not even believe your own feelings. Random person gave me some really good advice while just being a shoulder to cry on that terrible drunken night. Wanted nothing in return once we got to a certain point he went his way I went mine. No names, no number exchanges, just genuine conversation there and in the moment. I can add to that I have friends who know my situation and they are genuinely helping me through it. Not telling me what to do or how to do things just simply walking through it with me, no judgment (to my face lol) but seriously they have shown they truly care I just need to open my eyes to that more.

5. It is extremely loud at night. Cicadas, cars, trains, people yelling, storms…. I could listen to those all night honestly. There is somewhat of a beauty to it. But my thoughts, those scratch, poke, tear, bang around in my head and I can’t plug my ears it’s in my head it only makes it louder. How does one fall asleep like that? You didn’t do this, why would you say that, what if, maybe, why… it just keeps going and going. The damn energizer bunny is bashing around in my head but all batteries die at some point right??

I could continue on but I think that’s enough of my scatter brain tonight. If anyone actually reads this do you have any suggestions on things you do to quiet your mind? Or realizations you have had? No matter how random I would love to hear!

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When Needed, Get Help!!

I’m not really sure what made me want to post today. This whole blog thing has been a fail on my part. Not because I don’t like it, I really do. Before this site I used to blog more often. At first I thought blogging was all about numbers. How many views, how many followers, etc. Then I came to realize it really wasn’t. It was like I was talking to myself, and I even came to decisions just but thinking something out it a post. Must have seemed crazy at times. I’m sure it literally looked like I was talking to myself LOL! But once it shut down I fell away from it for a while and then looked here to maybe pick back up. Whatever it is blocking my blogging path, I hope it diminishes soon. For now I guess I am just going to try to make it work as well as I can. I babble a lot, so if anyone is reading this I sincerely apologize.

So, the past couple months I have been struggling big time with figure out my classes. I have three online classes…. that suck, but I have to take them because that is the only way they are offered. I have terrible time management issues and online classes bring that out the worst in me. I recently forgot a deadline that was a huge deal and decided I needed to talk to a few people. So after talking to a few professors, my coach, and an advisor, I believe I am going to be okay.

The truth is I should have gotten help sooner. I knew the issues I was having with classes and instead of getting help I got frustrated and pushed things off. Well that went well, now in one of my classes the highest grade I can receive is a B. That’s not terrible but the fact is that I have to get all A’s for that to be accomplished so now I have to work extra hard.

My coach put me in contact with someone who is helping me with my time management issues. We had a meeting today and now I have schedule days and times that I have to study which is probably a good thing. I thought that studying at home would be fine since for the majority of time being there I would be alone but there are so many distractions. Food, television, that book that is misplaced, the pictures that I still need to hang up, the clothes I need to fold and put away…. point is there are way to many distractions for me. Having a small cubicle of an area to study might just be what I need to keep me on task. She gave me a weekly calendar that has what times I have open each day of the week. Main purpose to find time to mark of as study time.

I have never been so frustrated with myself. Okay I take that back, I haven’t been so frustrated with myself in terms of school related issues. Finally talking with people about my issue was definitely what is helping me get out of this mess I made. Sometimes the help you need is staring you in the face and all you need to do is ask and BOOM life just got a little easier. There are so many things causing stress in my life right now. Wrestling this time management issue is definitely going to lighten the load. Even if just a small portion.

My advice, when you need help ask. No matter how small or big. SOMEONE will be able to help. Just have to find the right people. They are there with open arms ready to assist.