Realizations from the Vault

I won’t say I’m back because frankly, I don’t know. I’ve experimented on other sites, didn’t like it and then let blogging go all together and yeah I don’t know. Tonight as I sit here I feel an urge to just write. I think it wasn’t any of the sites, it was just how I felt. Nothing to say.

There are a lot of things that I have realized over the last year or so. Some good some bad, all the same I’ve learned from them.

1. People come and go, yes that is something we hear all the time. But I never thought it would hurt me so damn much. Death, that has always been hard for me to grasp for me to be able to except. However, those who are alive and well and for whatever reason become… strangers. That gets me. Hard… you think you’re family, friends, significant other will be there forever. Then something happens and it’s forever changed. WHO KNEW FAMILY TOO!?!? I’m probably the only one who didn’t know… that’s okay.

2. You get used to the darkness. It becomes your best friend. Venturing out from that is scarier than just sitting in the darkness you are dealing with. Not to say it’s a good thing because it’s not. You can’t stay there forever it will continue to damage you. But it’s comfortable. It’s what you know. Maybe it’s a fear of making a bigger darkness, but no….. that doesn’t make sense. You can”t make the darkness any bigger once it’s set in. You can only bring light in. So wear shades.

3. Drinking doesn’t solve shit! The crash is worse than the few hours of “freedom”. Why feel good for a little bit just to feel 100x worse on the crash. This is more of a recent discovery. I have a point and when I reach that point I know to stop drinking. I hit that point this time and decided what the hell let’s do it and boy did I pay for it.

4. Drinking leads me to this realization. There really are people who are care, people who just care about people. I didn’t think so. People don’t genuinely care about other people. I thought this might be a false feeling I had. Like I’m just pretending that I care about this people it has to be somehow turning back on me. Isn’t that crazy to not even believe your own feelings. Random person gave me some really good advice while just being a shoulder to cry on that terrible drunken night. Wanted nothing in return once we got to a certain point he went his way I went mine. No names, no number exchanges, just genuine conversation there and in the moment. I can add to that I have friends who know my situation and they are genuinely helping me through it. Not telling me what to do or how to do things just simply walking through it with me, no judgment (to my face lol) but seriously they have shown they truly care I just need to open my eyes to that more.

5. It is extremely loud at night. Cicadas, cars, trains, people yelling, storms…. I could listen to those all night honestly. There is somewhat of a beauty to it. But my thoughts, those scratch, poke, tear, bang around in my head and I can’t plug my ears it’s in my head it only makes it louder. How does one fall asleep like that? You didn’t do this, why would you say that, what if, maybe, why… it just keeps going and going. The damn energizer bunny is bashing around in my head but all batteries die at some point right??

I could continue on but I think that’s enough of my scatter brain tonight. If anyone actually reads this do you have any suggestions on things you do to quiet your mind? Or realizations you have had? No matter how random I would love to hear!

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My Life. My decisions.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

This quote sets deep with me today. So here’s the story. I met a guy over this weekend and we’ve been somewhat talking. Nothing serious but of course my mom is already saying well don’t go to far to fast, how do you know he likes you, what if he doesn’t except you for who you are, what if he hurts you? These are all good comments and questions but there’s this boundary that she needs to stay on the other side of. No I don’t think my mom needs to know every detail of my personal life but yes I do feel that at some point if this guy and I actually come to like each other then she should meet him. I met the guy 2 days ago so I’m not going to all of a sudden want to marry him. I know better than that and my mom should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t do that. It’s insane and sadly I’ve seen those close to me do things like this and lets just say they didn’t end well. So where does this quote come in? Here’s the thing, if I never take a chance, I’ll never achieve anything. How can I ever fall in love…. without falling in love? I can’t. Will I get hurt? Possibly, very possible. But life goes on. What will I have accomplished. I will have learned something about myself that I might not have been aware of before hand. I might find that letting another person into my life is a good thing even though I’m scared to death of letting people in. In the end it’s not about my mom’s rash opinion of some guy she’s never even met, but about me experiencing life. I want to live, and not be held back by possibilities. Today was an eye opener for me and after the conversation with my mom today, I hope she realizes that she can’t live my life for me. She has to let me live, let me make decisions, good or bad. I can handle my mistakes. However, I’m not sure how I would respond to a decision my mom made for me.

On a different note, snowed in. Crazy winter weather and in a state of emergency. This sucks…. a lot lol. I need to move away from cold weather, its depressing to me. I don’t like cold weather let alone this fluffy white snow sticking to everything it touches. Eewww I despise winter. Nevertheless I’m all smiles going to sleep tonight. I’m not going to let disagreements and bad weather get me down tonight. No way!!!! Good night or good morning if that applies to you.