Sleep… or not

I hate when I can’t sleep. It usually means the thoughts in my mind are too real and I’m afraid they will frequent my dreams. Everything from actual events that may have happened earlier in the day, week or year, someone stalking me down an alley, or images of my death or worse someone close to me dying. Tonight it’s the latter.

As soon as I close my eyes I see it as if it were actually happening right in front of me. The despair, I can feel it as if I am actually going through it. Why does my brain deceive me into feeling so horrible about something that hasn’t happened and more than likely won’t happen. I am brought to tears most times because the scene is so real, the feeling is so real.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you quiet the chaos?

Advertisements

Realizations from the Vault

I won’t say I’m back because frankly, I don’t know. I’ve experimented on other sites, didn’t like it and then let blogging go all together and yeah I don’t know. Tonight as I sit here I feel an urge to just write. I think it wasn’t any of the sites, it was just how I felt. Nothing to say.

There are a lot of things that I have realized over the last year or so. Some good some bad, all the same I’ve learned from them.

1. People come and go, yes that is something we hear all the time. But I never thought it would hurt me so damn much. Death, that has always been hard for me to grasp for me to be able to except. However, those who are alive and well and for whatever reason become… strangers. That gets me. Hard… you think you’re family, friends, significant other will be there forever. Then something happens and it’s forever changed. WHO KNEW FAMILY TOO!?!? I’m probably the only one who didn’t know… that’s okay.

2. You get used to the darkness. It becomes your best friend. Venturing out from that is scarier than just sitting in the darkness you are dealing with. Not to say it’s a good thing because it’s not. You can’t stay there forever it will continue to damage you. But it’s comfortable. It’s what you know. Maybe it’s a fear of making a bigger darkness, but no….. that doesn’t make sense. You can”t make the darkness any bigger once it’s set in. You can only bring light in. So wear shades.

3. Drinking doesn’t solve shit! The crash is worse than the few hours of “freedom”. Why feel good for a little bit just to feel 100x worse on the crash. This is more of a recent discovery. I have a point and when I reach that point I know to stop drinking. I hit that point this time and decided what the hell let’s do it and boy did I pay for it.

4. Drinking leads me to this realization. There really are people who are care, people who just care about people. I didn’t think so. People don’t genuinely care about other people. I thought this might be a false feeling I had. Like I’m just pretending that I care about this people it has to be somehow turning back on me. Isn’t that crazy to not even believe your own feelings. Random person gave me some really good advice while just being a shoulder to cry on that terrible drunken night. Wanted nothing in return once we got to a certain point he went his way I went mine. No names, no number exchanges, just genuine conversation there and in the moment. I can add to that I have friends who know my situation and they are genuinely helping me through it. Not telling me what to do or how to do things just simply walking through it with me, no judgment (to my face lol) but seriously they have shown they truly care I just need to open my eyes to that more.

5. It is extremely loud at night. Cicadas, cars, trains, people yelling, storms…. I could listen to those all night honestly. There is somewhat of a beauty to it. But my thoughts, those scratch, poke, tear, bang around in my head and I can’t plug my ears it’s in my head it only makes it louder. How does one fall asleep like that? You didn’t do this, why would you say that, what if, maybe, why… it just keeps going and going. The damn energizer bunny is bashing around in my head but all batteries die at some point right??

I could continue on but I think that’s enough of my scatter brain tonight. If anyone actually reads this do you have any suggestions on things you do to quiet your mind? Or realizations you have had? No matter how random I would love to hear!

Strengths

Going into the New Year I need to focus more on my strengths and at the same to turn some of my weaknesses in to strengths as well.

I’m not good at talking about myself so well let’s start working on it today.

I am amazing with kids. I have a way of getting them to come out of there she’ll around me and have fun doing activities in the job I am in. I work for the parks department in arts and crafts so it helps a lot that I can get kids to open up and pay attention and even talk about some of the things we do in our activities. I have also taught some of our sports programs which is where I started and that was extremely important in building relationships with the kids and having connections with them. If they will open up to up they will learn so much more.

I am a great listener. I am willing to lend an ear to just about anyone. I don’t know what more to say about that one except I’ve had conversations with complete strangers about random topics but I was glad to talk to them because they seemed to just need someone to listen and I understand the feeling.

I have people who are there for me. At times I feel like I am alone but probably one of my biggest strengths is that I have people who are there for me. I count everyone out but there are some who really do have my back and best interest. That isn’t a strength like the others but I see that as a huge strength.

So yeah that’s what I’ve got for now….

2017

First off… Happy New Year!!!!

Well putting it short and to the point 2017 flat out sucked but if you’d like to stick around and hear why I’m going to ramble on for just a little while.

I went through most of the year going through the same old drama that I usually go through. Keeping quiet letting events play out how they would. I was with a guy a really didn’t like… but maybe I will discuss that story some other time. Fell in love (actually fell in love) for the first time just for it to fall away… again maybe something I will discuss in the future. I finally went to my doctor and admitted to her that I am struggling with my mental state… depression…anxiety… Blah blah… Death… yeah actually I don’t know a lot that’s happened good in 2017 ooooooohhhh I got an awesome job that I freaking love and the pay is much better than what I had before so that was great for me. But yeah other than that boooo to 2017 I’m glad it’s over and I am super excited for the new year and can’t wait to see what is in store.

Minor Set Back

So, I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Had a soccer game and demolished my ankle saving my keeper from having to make a 6000th save by sticking my foot out to stop a guy from taking a shot with 20sec left in the game. He didn’t get his shot off, so minus the instant pain that came I was satisfied with the outcome and we ended up winning 1-0 to go to semifinals. I obviously couldn’t play but we did good in that game until the end we sort of ran out of gas. Could not walk on it much after the game yesterday and today when I woke up it was even worse with excruciating pain. Decided I needed to get checked out in fear it was broken so went to the walk in orthopedic clinic this morning. Lucky me it’s just a bad sprain. In a boot for the time being and no soccer for at least 2 weeks. That’s going to be torture but I’ll be alright haha. This is not what I had planned to talk about today, but the pain really has my mind off track. I will get back to my planned schedule tomorrow.

In the future Tuesdays will be anything that comes to mind , so guess it’ll just be my random day and Wednesdays will be dedicated to psychology topics. I dream of becoming a sports psychologist so many of the topics will probably focus on that.

Anyway, I just felt I needed to put some kind of post up today. I’ve lost my everyday this year goal but life happens and if I only miss a few days out of the whole year, that will still be a major accomplishment for me. Have a great night or day everyone and be safe.

The End

Mondays will be a little like Fridays in that the first Monday of the month will be dedicated to something different than the rest. I decided to dedicate these Mondays to poetry.

I thought about doing a poem every Monday, but I get nervous sharing my poetry, so at least for now I will leave it to just the first Mondays. The rest of the Mondays will have to do with inspiration. Nothing set, but the topic will be inspiration.

The End

I’m living a fractured dream

Broken promises

Awaiting the day my pain will cease to control me

 

I know not true happiness

Upon its first spark

Sadness or annoyance hastily flare in its place

 

I attempt to find relief

But to no avail

Left to watch my efforts become insignificant

 

This life is unforgiving

Forced to stay silent

Overwhelmed with the secrets I keep sheltered inside

 

How much longer can I last

Too tired to be strong

I’m afraid I’ve reached the climax to this hopeless fight

 

At one time I thought in reach

Now I see no light

I was destined to fail even before I began

 

My energy is long gone

My shield has fallen

I’m left defenseless against a stronger opponent

 

Can this really be the end

 

©Kalyssa162

Fighting a Case of the Blues

It’s strange how an event, small or big, can get the gears turning in your brain. I had a dream last night that I was killed. Crazy right? I spent the remainder of the dream trying to relay to my family and friends what actually happened. Being dead didn’t exactly help that mission. I woke up happy to be breathing.

So this dream got me thinking…. Life is unpredictable. One second you could be on top of the world and the next you could lose it all. Vice versa, you could have nothing and look up one day and you damn near have it all. Wouldn’t that be great!

I’ve been in a slump and I really don’t know what’s got me down. I could just say it’s the month of February (this is a really bad time of year for me, ironically being my birthday month) but it actually started mid year last year. I do believe however that February has made it worse. But that’s a story for another time. I may have mentioned it in some random post I’ve created but I have no clue. Anyway back on track….

‘You could have nothing and look up one day and damn near have it all’. I don’t feel that I have nothing at least not externally. I’ve got family and friends who care about me… I guess. It more seems to be just friends at times. I have the best living arrangements I could ask for being a college student. My boyfriend is the best, I probably should tell him that more often. I’m for the most part healthy, a few issues here and there with injury and other medical stuff. I’m at an amazing college playing soccer with the most amazing teammates. I have stuff, so much stuff. I’ve got more than I need. So why is it that life feels so hard.

Internally, something is missing. I’m not sure what it is, but it bothers me on a daily basis. The longer I am in this hole, the more I find myself taking it out on other people. I am a very sarcastic person, but my tone has gone almost beyond sarcasm to straight mean. I am very short with people. The smallest things make me want to take a sledge hammer to someones car. I have a bad memory, but it seems to be getting worse the longer this goes on as well. Happiness is short lived. It’s just a huge unseeable mess. I try to hide it. I’m not sure how well I’m doing at it but if I can I want to keep others from knowing about it. I don’t want people to worry about me cause I’m only me.

So apart of me feels like I have nothing. Material things are great, but really they mean nothing to me in the long run. The dream I had last night kind of forced me to make an attempt at tackling this issue. Not that I think someone is after me and will kill me lol but that anything could happen. I really want to get out of this slump. I’m still  trying to figure out what it actually is so I guess it is going to take a while. I hope not too long. I want to be able to wake up and be happy to be starting my day!

This is all just a bunch of random thoughts that I needed to get out. I was lying in bed and just letting them sit in my head was not doing them justice. It may do some good to get my thoughts out into a solid form. Jumbled up in my head it makes little sense. Writing it down, or i guess typing, puts it into a little more perspective for me. If you read this sorry for the depressing post. Well I will stop here. Hopefully my next post is a little more positive.Have a great day or night. Whichever 🙂

Gosh darn life!!!!

First and foremost I would like to say help!!!

I have not been on in a while. Quite depressing but I’m back. Had a lot going on starting last Friday and driving all the way up to now. If you don’t want to hear about the current struggles I am facing then I invite you to click away now cause it starts in

3….

2….

1….

Now!!!!

Okay so lets start with Friday. I left for a gun show and while setting up I got a call from my mom that our cousin had passed away. It wasn’t sudden she had been having many problems with seizures and strokes and after having more than multiple strokes and just wasn’t able to hold on any longer. She was really close to us so that was hard news to take.

Then comes the part when I can actually smile and say something good has happened. During this show I got to spend some time with a guy I like and we’ve gotten a lot closer since then. Thankfully he is helping me through the slump right now and has been very understanding so that is amazing.

Sunday night I was walking around in the dark and noticed that I was not seeing correctly so after about 5 minutes of trying to figure out why I felt so weird and why I couldn’t see right I realized that my vision blurs out on the left side. The strange thing is this only happens in the dark. I wasn’t concerned at first but it keeps happening so now Im getting a little worried. So if anyone knows of anything this could be that be great. If not, my dad is forcing me to go see a doctor which leads me to my next part.

Monday my gma wanted to go to the store so as we were going I lost power steering and my battery light starting dinging at me so I took it to a shop which then they told me that I have multiple wears in my van and bolts lose that are making my belt pop off which obviously is not good but making it worse to do the repairs they said I needed I would have to be rich…. lol I am hoping I can just buy the parts I need and have someone do it, no worries the place that would do it knows what they are doing they just require buying the parts yourself. But I was told that  it would cut down on the cost possibly more than half. So good news in a flood of misery.

Tuesday I had soccer training and by the end of it breathing was so hard I couldn’t move for a while. Now I would go out and say that it’s just because I’m not in as good of shape as I was earlier but that’s false and I was breathing fine at practice this morning. The problem has only been occurring when I’m in cold air so my trainer recommending having my doctor check it out.

Might as well continue into yesterday. It was actually not a bad day but one of the girls on my team was in a car accident and that was pretty bad. She’s already been having problems and now after the accident she’s in even more pain than before so I’m a little concerned about her. She’s doing okay but you can tell that she is in a lot of pain.

Today I had practice super early, woke up at 5 this morning. No problem though. Once I took my shower I was wide awake. During the workout I felt something not right with my arm and for the majority of the day it has been bothering me so I went to the trainer and she said I did something to something to my tricep, which I guess according to her is really hard to do so that sucks. I can’t put much weight on it. Holding my head on my hand is out of the question and I can’t lift my arm over my head or even bend it without pain so that’s just awesome.

Then later today my card was declined and when I checked out my account realized that I had forgot to cancel a subscription that I don’t want anymore. What’s terrible about this is I needed the money that they took from my account to pay for my meds, my car, doc apptment, and soccer stuff. I sent them an email hoping that they will be understanding, which so far dealing with them they have been so hopefully they can help me out. Adding to soccer, I have practice in the morning and now my gma is upset because she swears I didn’t tell her I  couldn’t take her to work in the morning. I thought I told her but my memory is bad so she could very well be right. I feel bad but she said she has some personal days that she needs to use so I guess that’ll be fine.

So that leads up to now. After the most eventful week I’ve had in a long time I actually have time to relax and enjoy releasing some of my frustration. Just putting all this out here doesn’t not solve much but it definitely just relaxed me a bit more.  

I guess the way I see these events is that things could be worse…. it’s hard to see it sometimes but it’s true. There’s someone out there with problems that would make mine seem miniscule. Everything that has been going on definitely have me super stressed and when you add school work on top of that it adds to my anxiety. I just feel like punching a wall right now. Probably would mess up my arm even more but man it’s so tempting looking on everything going on. I might be at a rough spot right now but I’ll get through it. Stuff happens but we gotta keep going right. Life is a crazy ride but it’s one worth getting on. The typing is starting to get to me and is making my arm really sore so I guess I shall hit publish post and be done for the night.

See you soon. I will have free time now that I have a free weekend to get caught up on everything, thank goodness!!

My Life. My decisions.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

This quote sets deep with me today. So here’s the story. I met a guy over this weekend and we’ve been somewhat talking. Nothing serious but of course my mom is already saying well don’t go to far to fast, how do you know he likes you, what if he doesn’t except you for who you are, what if he hurts you? These are all good comments and questions but there’s this boundary that she needs to stay on the other side of. No I don’t think my mom needs to know every detail of my personal life but yes I do feel that at some point if this guy and I actually come to like each other then she should meet him. I met the guy 2 days ago so I’m not going to all of a sudden want to marry him. I know better than that and my mom should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t do that. It’s insane and sadly I’ve seen those close to me do things like this and lets just say they didn’t end well. So where does this quote come in? Here’s the thing, if I never take a chance, I’ll never achieve anything. How can I ever fall in love…. without falling in love? I can’t. Will I get hurt? Possibly, very possible. But life goes on. What will I have accomplished. I will have learned something about myself that I might not have been aware of before hand. I might find that letting another person into my life is a good thing even though I’m scared to death of letting people in. In the end it’s not about my mom’s rash opinion of some guy she’s never even met, but about me experiencing life. I want to live, and not be held back by possibilities. Today was an eye opener for me and after the conversation with my mom today, I hope she realizes that she can’t live my life for me. She has to let me live, let me make decisions, good or bad. I can handle my mistakes. However, I’m not sure how I would respond to a decision my mom made for me.

On a different note, snowed in. Crazy winter weather and in a state of emergency. This sucks…. a lot lol. I need to move away from cold weather, its depressing to me. I don’t like cold weather let alone this fluffy white snow sticking to everything it touches. Eewww I despise winter. Nevertheless I’m all smiles going to sleep tonight. I’m not going to let disagreements and bad weather get me down tonight. No way!!!! Good night or good morning if that applies to you.