So, I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Had a soccer game and demolished my ankle saving my keeper from having to make a 6000th save by sticking my foot out to stop a guy from taking a shot with 20sec left in the game. He didn’t get his shot off, so minus the instant pain that came I was satisfied with the outcome and we ended up winning 1-0 to go to semifinals. I obviously couldn’t play but we did good in that game until the end we sort of ran out of gas. Could not walk on it much after the game yesterday and today when I woke up it was even worse with excruciating pain. Decided I needed to get checked out in fear it was broken so went to the walk in orthopedic clinic this morning. Lucky me it’s just a bad sprain. In a boot for the time being and no soccer for at least 2 weeks. That’s going to be torture but I’ll be alright haha. This is not what I had planned to talk about today, but the pain really has my mind off track. I will get back to my planned schedule tomorrow.
In the future Tuesdays will be anything that comes to mind , so guess it’ll just be my random day and Wednesdays will be dedicated to psychology topics. I dream of becoming a sports psychologist so many of the topics will probably focus on that.
Anyway, I just felt I needed to put some kind of post up today. I’ve lost my everyday this year goal but life happens and if I only miss a few days out of the whole year, that will still be a major accomplishment for me. Have a great night or day everyone and be safe.
Mondays will be a little like Fridays in that the first Monday of the month will be dedicated to something different than the rest. I decided to dedicate these Mondays to poetry.
I thought about doing a poem every Monday, but I get nervous sharing my poetry, so at least for now I will leave it to just the first Mondays. The rest of the Mondays will have to do with inspiration. Nothing set, but the topic will be inspiration.
I’m living a fractured dream
Awaiting the day my pain will cease to control me
I know not true happiness
Upon its first spark
Sadness or annoyance hastily flare in its place
I attempt to find relief
But to no avail
Left to watch my efforts become insignificant
This life is unforgiving
Forced to stay silent
Overwhelmed with the secrets I keep sheltered inside
How much longer can I last
Too tired to be strong
I’m afraid I’ve reached the climax to this hopeless fight
At one time I thought in reach
Now I see no light
I was destined to fail even before I began
My energy is long gone
My shield has fallen
I’m left defenseless against a stronger opponent
Can this really be the end
I never thought that I would feel like this. Like I was the biggest ass in all of existence. Many months into our relationship and I basically watched it fall apart in the last three. I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy yet we tried to make it work as if by chance some spark of magic would fall on us and bid us okay. Depression is a bitch. I watched you struggle through it and I tried so hard to be there for you. I may not be the romantic that you wanted me to be, but it my own way I was still trying to be there for you and look out for you.
The day I said I couldn’t take this anymore I had reached my end. I needed a break even if that be a month or two apart I could not keep going on the way we were. You continuously said it would get better as soon as this happened or after that could happen. I didn’t see the day and honestly I was falling into a hole of my own. I thought that by helping you out of yours I could spring myself from my own. I didn’t know that I would not succeed. I did not see that by attempting to help you I was dismembering myself. Little by little my hole became deeper and although I couldn’t see you anymore I could still hear your pain and even though I was trapped myself, I still wanted to help you. You went through so much while we were together and secretly I did too. I couldn’t let you know because I felt I needed to be there for you. How could I do that if I were wallowing in my own self-pity. We did have good times, I do admit that. The pain I held inside was sadly greater.
I don’t blame you, I never did. You blamed yourself for my decision but its basis was in a flaw I saw in myself. I thought that by getting into a relationship I would somehow fix the issues that I already have with myself. I really am starting to believe that it is impossible for one to love another without loving themselves. That was me. I tried to fake it thinking that maybe eventually the feeling I wanted to have would be there. I really do care for you, but I was so wrong in thinking the relationship would work. I was hurting both of us by knowing I could not be there the way I should be yet trying anyway. By the time I realized that I couldn’t do this I was afraid to hurt you. You don’t know how long it actually took me to find the right words to say and even now I don’t feel that I said them right. I care for you so much that I couldn’t stand to think of the pain my decision would cause you. At least not face to face. I felt that I needed to be strong in my decision. Why I don’t know, but I didn’t want you to see the pain it was causing me to say goodbye. When it came down to it I felt like the full responsibility for our downfall was on me. Your choices afterward also held me to believe that the whole ordeal was my fault. I am truly sorry. I even confessed that to you.
So why is it that you drag me down further with your words? You say I never cared when I shelved my own struggles to help you with yours. You say I lied to you, that I didn’t stick to my word when my word meant nothing to you because you kept pursuing me even after I and countless others made it clear that I needed time and space. You say it meant nothing to me when I’ve spent the past 2 weeks beating myself up crying and growing more isolated than ever because I don’t know if I made the right decision. Therefore when it comes to us falling apart I completely blame myself and likely always will, but I blame you for the barrier that will now forever separate us.
The doctor walked in with his clipboard and gave me a looked that assured me something wasn’t right. He asked:
“Would you like the good news or the bad news first.”
Oh no there it was I knew for sure whatever he had to say, I was not going to want to hear it. I was so scared to hear anything but eventually told him that he could choose. He looked at his clipboard then back and me smiled and said:
“Good news, you didn’t tear your meniscus, but….”
WHAT THE HECK!!!! Could he make my life any more difficult. He must have been amused by the agony he was giving me in not just telling me straight out. Maybe I should have said just give me the bad news and spare me the good. He smiled and I knew at this point that he was in fact enjoying my anticipation. Finally he continued:
“your MRI showed that your iliotibial band is really inflamed and that can mimic a tear in the meniscus which is why you are in so much pain.”
My what?? After he explained this to me, he then told me that it would not sideline me and that I could do as much as the pain would allow me to do. I was prescribed meds to get rid of the inflammation and released to practice. After all of that I was relieved to know that it wasn’t as serious as it could have been. It still gives me problems today but I still laugh at how nervous I was to hear the doctors results. 🙂
This was the end of my story for the weekly writing challenge.
The pain had been nagging at me since the second week of practice. Every step in my stride brought the sharpest pains through my knee. I could barely stand it. Literally. I’d been playing soccer for five years by this time and up until this point I had never been in so much pain. The closest thing to it was when I pulled my quad the year before but even that didn’t even closely resemble the pain I was in. In high school I was known for hiding pains I had, however this one I couldn’t hide. I went and talked to the trainer and she spent a few days trying to help the problem with ultrasound therapies, ice, stretching and strengthening, but eventually decided it was best for me to go see a doctor. Doctors scare the crap out of me and believe me I have a legit reason (….you don’t want to know lol). So the appointment was set and I awaited the day. When it came I saw the doctor and he took a few x-rays and could not find anything from just the regular exam but was concerned I may have torn my meniscus so he ordered an MRI. I got the MRI which was terrible. Have you ever been in one of those machines? I mean its seriously torcher. I can’t sit still as it is but having a nurse tell me that I have to lie there and not move at all…. let me tell you, I was not a happy camper at all. Nevertheless I lied there still and stared at a dot on the machine for about 15 terribly long minutes. After this was the wait for the results. So I waited…. and waited. It seems like when you are anxious to know a result is when the wait feels like years away.
Finally it was the day. I got in the car, shut the door, and made the drive to the docs office. Nervously I pounded on the steering wheel to the music wondering what the doctor would say. When I arrived, I got out the car, took a deep breathe, and walked in. The nurse called my name and led me to a room. This may have been the longest walk of my life. Have you ever looked at a hallway and dreaded the fact that you had to go all the way to the other side? That’s how I felt. (Granted I actually was put in the 2nd room in the hallway. But it took a long while to get to that hall). I sat in the room, the nurse told me the doctor would be in with me shortly and I began to watch the clock. Bad idea. Minutes went by but they felt like hours. My heart nearly ripped from my chest every time I heard footsteps. Whispers were now at the door and I could barely sit in my chair I was so nervous. The door opened and my hear stopped.
To be continued….
Well, I’m not the best story teller but this is my shot at the cliffhanger for the weekly writing challenge. Keep checking back for the end to the story.