I won’t say I’m back because frankly, I don’t know. I’ve experimented on other sites, didn’t like it and then let blogging go all together and yeah I don’t know. Tonight as I sit here I feel an urge to just write. I think it wasn’t any of the sites, it was just how I felt. Nothing to say.
There are a lot of things that I have realized over the last year or so. Some good some bad, all the same I’ve learned from them.
1. People come and go, yes that is something we hear all the time. But I never thought it would hurt me so damn much. Death, that has always been hard for me to grasp for me to be able to except. However, those who are alive and well and for whatever reason become… strangers. That gets me. Hard… you think you’re family, friends, significant other will be there forever. Then something happens and it’s forever changed. WHO KNEW FAMILY TOO!?!? I’m probably the only one who didn’t know… that’s okay.
2. You get used to the darkness. It becomes your best friend. Venturing out from that is scarier than just sitting in the darkness you are dealing with. Not to say it’s a good thing because it’s not. You can’t stay there forever it will continue to damage you. But it’s comfortable. It’s what you know. Maybe it’s a fear of making a bigger darkness, but no….. that doesn’t make sense. You can”t make the darkness any bigger once it’s set in. You can only bring light in. So wear shades.
3. Drinking doesn’t solve shit! The crash is worse than the few hours of “freedom”. Why feel good for a little bit just to feel 100x worse on the crash. This is more of a recent discovery. I have a point and when I reach that point I know to stop drinking. I hit that point this time and decided what the hell let’s do it and boy did I pay for it.
4. Drinking leads me to this realization. There really are people who are care, people who just care about people. I didn’t think so. People don’t genuinely care about other people. I thought this might be a false feeling I had. Like I’m just pretending that I care about this people it has to be somehow turning back on me. Isn’t that crazy to not even believe your own feelings. Random person gave me some really good advice while just being a shoulder to cry on that terrible drunken night. Wanted nothing in return once we got to a certain point he went his way I went mine. No names, no number exchanges, just genuine conversation there and in the moment. I can add to that I have friends who know my situation and they are genuinely helping me through it. Not telling me what to do or how to do things just simply walking through it with me, no judgment (to my face lol) but seriously they have shown they truly care I just need to open my eyes to that more.
5. It is extremely loud at night. Cicadas, cars, trains, people yelling, storms…. I could listen to those all night honestly. There is somewhat of a beauty to it. But my thoughts, those scratch, poke, tear, bang around in my head and I can’t plug my ears it’s in my head it only makes it louder. How does one fall asleep like that? You didn’t do this, why would you say that, what if, maybe, why… it just keeps going and going. The damn energizer bunny is bashing around in my head but all batteries die at some point right??
I could continue on but I think that’s enough of my scatter brain tonight. If anyone actually reads this do you have any suggestions on things you do to quiet your mind? Or realizations you have had? No matter how random I would love to hear!