Sleep… or not

I hate when I can’t sleep. It usually means the thoughts in my mind are too real and I’m afraid they will frequent my dreams. Everything from actual events that may have happened earlier in the day, week or year, someone stalking me down an alley, or images of my death or worse someone close to me dying. Tonight it’s the latter.

As soon as I close my eyes I see it as if it were actually happening right in front of me. The despair, I can feel it as if I am actually going through it. Why does my brain deceive me into feeling so horrible about something that hasn’t happened and more than likely won’t happen. I am brought to tears most times because the scene is so real, the feeling is so real.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you quiet the chaos?


Thoughts from the Vault

Day 3: What’s on your mind?

So todays zero to hero challenge is to write what was on my mind when I decided to blog. This is a hard one for me. I’ve been thinking, wondering if this post was really worth making. In fact I talked about it in my first post but I don’t think it was up long enough for anyone to read it. I deleted it because I wasn’t sure afterwards if I wanted everyone to see that deep into my life. Maybe its time to open the vault and leave it open this time. Deep breath…. After reading the challenge I’m taking this post for what it is…. a challenge. So here goes nothing. Wow, getting pretty nervous! Feels like my first school play all over again lol.

Okay, where to begin. Lets start here. I love my mom to death, but she is probably 65% of my worrying. She worries a lot which in turn causes me to worry even more. Especially when she worries about me. She comes up with these crazy scenarios and thinks that they will or have happened. For instance….

I help my dad with his job generally Fridays to Sundays. Just a little of a background he goes to gun shows and we sell ammunition. Some weekends the show starts on a Friday so I have to leave Thursday. Well there was a show that this happened. I told my mom about it and she knew I was leaving. So she called me Friday morning and started yelling at me cause I told her I was at my dads house and not at the show. So when I got annoyed after she told me I told her something different naturally I was depressed right? False. The whole situation led to her talking to my dad and asking him if he did something and why I was sounding depressed. I talked to her the next day and she got in an argument/fight with her husband and that got really bad. In this situation I wasn’t blamed for her argument/fight situation but there have been many others similar to it that she blamed me for their fights.

So it is moments like this that stress me out to the maximum. I’m told not to worry about it but how can I ignore something like that? That isn’t even the full story, there were words exchanged that I’d rather not go into detail about. Gaaaaahhh some days she drives me insane. I know its normal for mothers to over react at times but I’m not sure her reactions are normal at all. They generally have a false reasoning behind them anyway. Even though she says she trusts me, when I tell her things, she asks me again and again as if she didn’t believe the first, second, or third time I answered. There are so many words that we’ve said to each other in arguments that I wish could be erased but I know there’s no way for that to happen. We have sort of a broken relationship now. Where I used to feel I could tell my mom everything, I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t even live with her anymore but the drama that was always there continues. I dread going over there because I know there will be something she will be complaining and worrying about, but I can’t not go see her. Then that would make me a bad daughter and a bad sister. I don’t even know anymore what to do with the whole situation.

Wow…. that’s my rant. I can’t believe I’m about to post this. To anyone who reads this sorry about how long it is. Oh and just a side note to anyone who notices the small details, when I use the ellipses I use four dots instead of three because I have a problem with odd numbers. Just a fun little fact that you know about me now! Welp, until next time.