The Letter He Will Never See

I never thought that I would feel like this. Like I was the biggest ass in all of existence. Many months into our relationship and I basically watched it fall apart in the last three. I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy yet we tried to make it work as if by chance some spark of magic would fall on us and bid us okay. Depression is a bitch. I watched you struggle through it and I tried so hard to be there for you. I may not be the romantic that you wanted me to be, but it my own way I was still trying to be there for you and look out for you.

The day I said I couldn’t take this anymore I had reached my end. I needed a break even if that be a month or two apart I could not keep going on the way we were. You continuously said it would get better as soon as this happened or after that could happen. I didn’t see the day and honestly I was falling into a hole of my own. I thought that by helping you out of yours I could spring myself from my own. I didn’t know that I would not succeed. I did not see that by attempting to help you I was dismembering myself. Little by little my hole became deeper and although I couldn’t see you anymore I could still hear your pain and even though I was trapped myself, I still wanted to help you. You went through so much while we were together and secretly I did too. I couldn’t let you know because I felt I needed to be there for you. How could I do that if I were wallowing in my own self-pity. We did have good times, I do admit that. The pain I held inside was sadly greater.

I don’t blame you, I never did. You blamed yourself for my decision but its basis was in a flaw I saw in myself. I thought that by getting into a relationship I would somehow fix the issues that I already have with myself. I really am starting to believe that it is impossible for one to love another without loving themselves. That was me. I tried to fake it thinking that maybe eventually the feeling I wanted to have would be there. I really do care for you, but I was so wrong in thinking the relationship would work. I was hurting both of us by knowing I could not be there the way I should be yet trying anyway. By the time I realized that I couldn’t do this I was afraid to hurt you. You don’t know how long it actually took me to find the right words to say and even now I don’t feel that I said them right. I care for you so much that I couldn’t stand to think of the pain my decision would cause you. At least not face to face. I felt that I needed to be strong in my decision. Why I don’t know, but I didn’t want you to see the pain it was causing me to say goodbye. When it came down to it I felt like the full responsibility for our downfall was on me. Your choices afterward also held me to believe that the whole ordeal was my fault. I am truly sorry. I even confessed that to you.

So why is it that you drag me down further with your words? You say I never cared when I shelved my own struggles to help you with yours. You say I lied to you, that I didn’t stick to my word when my word meant nothing to you because you kept pursuing me even after I and countless others made it clear that I needed time and space. You say it meant nothing to me when I’ve spent the past 2 weeks beating myself up crying and growing more isolated than ever because I don’t know if I made the right decision. Therefore when it comes to us falling apart I completely blame myself and likely always will, but I blame you for the barrier that will now forever separate us.

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