At 22 I have no idea who I am

 

At 22, I have no idea who I am. Not that I thought I would have it all figured out. However, I did believe I would have at least an idea. There are so many times I thought I was making progress just to reach the end of a road left with no new path. I often look at the life I’ve lived so far and wondered what the purpose is. Dreams I did have are passed the point of possibility and those I have left are so far out of reach I’m not sure going for it would be worth the hassle. In all actuality it is more likely I would fail anyway. Not to mention the though of if I would actually want to go through with it. Nothing like going into something and realizing it sucks.I used to think I knew where I was going with this whole blog thing. HA. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I really have no idea what the purpose was of me starting this blog…. I look at old posts and none of it is consistent. Just a big reminder of how confused I am.

I’m lost. Ask me any question about myself and if I’m truly answering, you won’t get a definite answer. I can’t think of a question that I can answer with a wholehearted answer and be completely sure of. I’ll answer with possibilities, confusion, and indecision. Why? Because after 22 years I still know nothing about the person creating this post. I tend to ignore the topic changing the subject or turning questions geared toward me back on the person or anyone else other than myself. I feel so dumb. What person doesn’t know anything about who they are…. like anything. I can tell you fact things like where I was born, race, who my parents are, but none of that really matters when it comes down to it.

I tend to brush it aside like it doesn’t bother me, because admitting I am so confused hurts so much. I look at myself and realize I don’t know a damn thing. What is the point? With no clue, no purpose, I am merely a waste of space. Why then am I here? You know what I hear in response to that? Crickets….

I watch other people and they seem to have it all together. They don’t, I know.  Still, something is different. Maybe their thinking, their reaction, or maybe they are just as lost as I am and just as good at hiding the pain. I scream inside when people tell me they are so proud of who I’ve become, or what I’ve accomplished, or the amazing adult I’ve become. Yes, I have graduated, high school and college, yet I have no idea what to do with my life. Hardly something to be proud of in my book.

I’ve tried so many times to dive into my thoughts, see if I can’t find what I’m looking for. It seems though that every time I feel like I might make a dent I stop. I stop writing, stop blogging, stop reading, stop watching, I stop thinking. The frustration is so overwhelming I basically stop everything. I need to work on tat. I suppose that is my first step.

I don’t tend to finish what I begin so it’s possible I’ll continue this journey even though I currently don’t see the point. More likely I’ll give up on it, so we will see. Even as I finish this I’m thinking how stupid it is, how ridiculous this whole post sounds, so pathetic. So maybe I will post again maybe I won’t, who knows.

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Failing Fact Friday

I have to apologize to myself. I am failing at this whole blogging thing haha fact!! There’s a fact for fact Friday. I’ve had a bunch going on, but even then it’s not really an excuse I have time in my day to write and I have so many thoughts going through my head that it’s not like I have nothing to talk about. I am still going to keep working at this blogging thing.

But just to make this a semi interesting post instead of straight depressing the real Friday fact is that the heart of a whale is so big you could swim through its arteries…. very strange fact I ran across the other day haha….

Have a great day/night whatever you are experiencing currently

 

Random A-Z

Happy Thursday!! I will be dedicating Thursday’s to lists. All sorts of lists. Any type of list I can come up with. Today’s list will maybe wake me up a little bit. It is going to be an A-Z list. The list will consist of whatever word comes to mind first with that letter. Let the fun begin!!

A- asshole, off to a great start haha

B- basketball

C- casual…. what??

D- dare

E- entertain

F- fire

G- gadget

H- house

I- intelligent, the irony is the first 2 words I thought of started with E not        I…. really, irony another I word…. of course

J- jackal

K- king

L- liar

M- monster

N- nasty

O- orange

P- platypus, once again…. what??

Q- quilt

R- rhinoceros, haha

S- soccer

T- triquetra

U- underestimate

V- vuvuzela, that is so fun to say

W- witch

X- x-ray

Y- yes

Z- zygote, well that was not an expected answer….

What was interesting about this is some of the letters I actually had to think a little bit before a word with that letter came to mind. More than a few of them are pretty boring but it was worth getting to the ones that got good responses. It would be pretty interesting to try that with someone out loud. Maybe just giving a random letter instead of in alphabetical order.

Minor Set Back

So, I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Had a soccer game and demolished my ankle saving my keeper from having to make a 6000th save by sticking my foot out to stop a guy from taking a shot with 20sec left in the game. He didn’t get his shot off, so minus the instant pain that came I was satisfied with the outcome and we ended up winning 1-0 to go to semifinals. I obviously couldn’t play but we did good in that game until the end we sort of ran out of gas. Could not walk on it much after the game yesterday and today when I woke up it was even worse with excruciating pain. Decided I needed to get checked out in fear it was broken so went to the walk in orthopedic clinic this morning. Lucky me it’s just a bad sprain. In a boot for the time being and no soccer for at least 2 weeks. That’s going to be torture but I’ll be alright haha. This is not what I had planned to talk about today, but the pain really has my mind off track. I will get back to my planned schedule tomorrow.

In the future Tuesdays will be anything that comes to mind , so guess it’ll just be my random day and Wednesdays will be dedicated to psychology topics. I dream of becoming a sports psychologist so many of the topics will probably focus on that.

Anyway, I just felt I needed to put some kind of post up today. I’ve lost my everyday this year goal but life happens and if I only miss a few days out of the whole year, that will still be a major accomplishment for me. Have a great night or day everyone and be safe.

The End

Mondays will be a little like Fridays in that the first Monday of the month will be dedicated to something different than the rest. I decided to dedicate these Mondays to poetry.

I thought about doing a poem every Monday, but I get nervous sharing my poetry, so at least for now I will leave it to just the first Mondays. The rest of the Mondays will have to do with inspiration. Nothing set, but the topic will be inspiration.

The End

I’m living a fractured dream

Broken promises

Awaiting the day my pain will cease to control me

 

I know not true happiness

Upon its first spark

Sadness or annoyance hastily flare in its place

 

I attempt to find relief

But to no avail

Left to watch my efforts become insignificant

 

This life is unforgiving

Forced to stay silent

Overwhelmed with the secrets I keep sheltered inside

 

How much longer can I last

Too tired to be strong

I’m afraid I’ve reached the climax to this hopeless fight

 

At one time I thought in reach

Now I see no light

I was destined to fail even before I began

 

My energy is long gone

My shield has fallen

I’m left defenseless against a stronger opponent

 

Can this really be the end

 

©Kalyssa162

Sunday Song Day

Sundays and as the title says will be dedicated to music. I decided to begin to put music on my youtube channel again. I had a few songs and then I deleted some, now I believe there are maybe 2 or 3 on there. So Sundays I will upload a video of me singing and I will post the link here. If you have any suggestions on songs please comment the song and name of the artist. It technically is now Monday, but my damn computer shut off on me….

A Creepy House

Alright, so Saturdays will be dedicated to photos. Today I decided to take a pic of the creepy house across the street from me. It made it better I thought taking the picture at night rather than during the day.

IMG_0410I’m not sure why this house creeps me out so much, but just looking at the picture sends chills down my spine. It’s been empty since before I was around. The most activity I’ve seen from it is raccoons and other animals going in and out. All I know is I stay clear of it.

Fact Friday: About Me

Alright, so I decided to try this out. Last year I wanted to begin to blog everyday because I have so many things on my mind I thought it would be cool to just jot them down and put them out there. I failed quite obviously. I actually made a plan this year and I think it could work. I have themes for each day. As you can see Fridays will be fact day. Not always about me, but I thought why not give some facts about myself if I’m going to start this. The last Friday of the month will be dedicated to a different topic however. It’ll be like a recap of my month. That will be more for me purposes, I guess this is all for me, however, maybe I can entertain a few people along the way. I will talk more about the other days when they get here.

This random about survey is just one that I skimmed across and thought wasn’t too bad like some of the others, so if you’re up to learn a little bit about me here you go.

1. What time did you get up this morning? I woke up at 8 and then 9 and then 10 and then finally got out of bed at noon.

2. How do you like your steak? Medium well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?  Kingsman

4. What is your favorite TV show? Sherlock, even though it was a super short series, BUT it is coming back!!!! At least temporarily

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? California, I love the US but I’m not fond of the midwest

6. What did you have for breakfast? nothing

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican

8. What foods do you dislike? pork and does chocolate count as food because that’s disgusting too
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Authentic Mexican restaurants anywhere
10. Favorite dressing? French

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Grand Prix

12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans & hoodie

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Manchester, England

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? 1/2 empty
15. Where would you want to retire? California

16. Favorite time of day? Midday

17. Where were you born? Indiana
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Soccer

19. How many siblings? 6, 4 sisters and 2 brothers

20. Favorite pastime/hobby? Soccer, reading, and netflix
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Um, I’m not really curious, I’m not expecting any responses. If I get a few that will be awesome though

22. Bird watcher? If I’m bored and sitting outside or if one lands on my porch it automatically gains my attention. Sort of like a dog seeing a squirrel. Well, the squirrel catches my attention too. Okay anything that moves attracts my attention, or shiny things. It’s an issue sometimes.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Both, I just like being awake. I don’t like sleeping, but I do enjoy dreams.

24. Do you have any pets? I have a cat

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? I graduate with my bachelors degree in psychology in May

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Firefighter…. still kind of wish I had pursued that

27. What is your best childhood memory? Singing with my aunt all the time

28. Are you a cat or dog person? dog. But I have a cat and not a dog…. I love my kitty though. They are low maintenance compared to dogs

29. Are you married? No

30. Always wear your seat belt? No, but if I realize I didn’t put it on I will gladly put it on. Safety is sometimes important:) with a car, always

31. Been in a car accident? Yes

32. Any pet peeves? Odd numbers

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Everything that goes on a taco pizza. It saves me from listing them all

34. Favorite Flower? not a flower person but I guess dandelions are cool
35. Favorite ice cream? I was told sherbet doesn’t count but I’m counting it. Im not into normal ice cream

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy’s and Arby’s have tied for my heart

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? Zero I got a perfect score on both portions.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Apple, I bought some songs haha

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Amazon…. I have a problem

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Mmmmm nope, which is surprising

41. Like your job? Im currently searching….

42. Broccoli? With some cheese!!!! Oh so delicious

43. What was your favorite vacation? Hawaii

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Just got back from dinner with my dad

45. What are you listening to right now? A fan
46. What is your favorite color? Blue

47. How many tattoos do you have? Zero, but I’m trying to fix that problem

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 11:02 pm

50. Coffee Drinker? Sometimes

Current Music List

I felt the need to talk about something and I don’t feel like talking to people I know, so here I am. If I keep to myself much longer I might explode. I thought it’d be interesting to share my current top song list. It consists of 6 songs at this point in time, but I worn you very depressing. If you click on the song I linked it to a youtube of the song. Although I doubt any one is reading. I’m so on and off on this site that I’m sure no one cares much about what I have to say. But then again no one probably did at first anyway. Oh well.

Well lets get to this list….

6. Numb – Linkin Park

5. This Cannot Mend – Projected Twin

4. Caged Bird – Alicia Keys

3. Never Too Late – Three Days Grace

2. Last Resort – Papa Roach

1.Down – Jason Walker

Another thing about this list is these songs are quite old but I feel that older songs have more meaning than most songs now. I’ve had some interesting events happen the past few weeks and these songs are the only songs consistently going through my head. Alright, that is all.

Family of Strangers

For day 4 of blogging 101 I want to put out a poem that I have recently finished. Its a very personal poem to me, but I want to get it out there. I’ve written so many poems and have just kept them to myself and now I’m trying to figure out how much good it does me when I keep them too myself. The whole idea behind me writing poetry was to get my point across and make meaning of the things happening around me. It does little good to write them if no one will ever read them. I may as well have kept  them in my brain. So with no further delay I guess this is where I start.

-*

Another family reunion filled with so much happiness

Yet, so much frustration and sorrow

I’m happy to see them and share laughs and memories

However I watch those I call family and I can’t help but feel a void

It’s not that they don’t except me

I know with all my heart I am loved

Still there’s a voice in my head saying

“You don’t belong”

I know my family

But, I don’t know them

And they don’t know me

I watch them

Intrigued by their connections

Envying the relationships they share

They know each other well

I’m turned inward

I stand behind my shield

I interact but am careful not to get too close

Not to get in too deep

In my experience that is when everything comes crashing down

Sensing if they knew the full me

No longer would I be accepted

We will share a few laughs

Then at the end of the day, head our separate ways

Restoring the distances between us

I have no one but myself to blame

I continue to distance myself from them

It’s a family reunion

But when I look around

I see strangers