Sleep… or not

I hate when I can’t sleep. It usually means the thoughts in my mind are too real and I’m afraid they will frequent my dreams. Everything from actual events that may have happened earlier in the day, week or year, someone stalking me down an alley, or images of my death or worse someone close to me dying. Tonight it’s the latter.

As soon as I close my eyes I see it as if it were actually happening right in front of me. The despair, I can feel it as if I am actually going through it. Why does my brain deceive me into feeling so horrible about something that hasn’t happened and more than likely won’t happen. I am brought to tears most times because the scene is so real, the feeling is so real.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you quiet the chaos?

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Coming soon

I have so many ideas in my head. It’s just getting the thoughts down. I need to stop closing up when I get down and just release it in my writing.

Any one who happens upon this… how do you keep writing when you don’t even feel like breathing?

I wrote a little today and it felt great. Look for some stories coming soon. Maybe some poetry as well idk we will see what happens. Definitely some stories though.

Realizations from the Vault

I won’t say I’m back because frankly, I don’t know. I’ve experimented on other sites, didn’t like it and then let blogging go all together and yeah I don’t know. Tonight as I sit here I feel an urge to just write. I think it wasn’t any of the sites, it was just how I felt. Nothing to say.

There are a lot of things that I have realized over the last year or so. Some good some bad, all the same I’ve learned from them.

1. People come and go, yes that is something we hear all the time. But I never thought it would hurt me so damn much. Death, that has always been hard for me to grasp for me to be able to except. However, those who are alive and well and for whatever reason become… strangers. That gets me. Hard… you think you’re family, friends, significant other will be there forever. Then something happens and it’s forever changed. WHO KNEW FAMILY TOO!?!? I’m probably the only one who didn’t know… that’s okay.

2. You get used to the darkness. It becomes your best friend. Venturing out from that is scarier than just sitting in the darkness you are dealing with. Not to say it’s a good thing because it’s not. You can’t stay there forever it will continue to damage you. But it’s comfortable. It’s what you know. Maybe it’s a fear of making a bigger darkness, but no….. that doesn’t make sense. You can”t make the darkness any bigger once it’s set in. You can only bring light in. So wear shades.

3. Drinking doesn’t solve shit! The crash is worse than the few hours of “freedom”. Why feel good for a little bit just to feel 100x worse on the crash. This is more of a recent discovery. I have a point and when I reach that point I know to stop drinking. I hit that point this time and decided what the hell let’s do it and boy did I pay for it.

4. Drinking leads me to this realization. There really are people who are care, people who just care about people. I didn’t think so. People don’t genuinely care about other people. I thought this might be a false feeling I had. Like I’m just pretending that I care about this people it has to be somehow turning back on me. Isn’t that crazy to not even believe your own feelings. Random person gave me some really good advice while just being a shoulder to cry on that terrible drunken night. Wanted nothing in return once we got to a certain point he went his way I went mine. No names, no number exchanges, just genuine conversation there and in the moment. I can add to that I have friends who know my situation and they are genuinely helping me through it. Not telling me what to do or how to do things just simply walking through it with me, no judgment (to my face lol) but seriously they have shown they truly care I just need to open my eyes to that more.

5. It is extremely loud at night. Cicadas, cars, trains, people yelling, storms…. I could listen to those all night honestly. There is somewhat of a beauty to it. But my thoughts, those scratch, poke, tear, bang around in my head and I can’t plug my ears it’s in my head it only makes it louder. How does one fall asleep like that? You didn’t do this, why would you say that, what if, maybe, why… it just keeps going and going. The damn energizer bunny is bashing around in my head but all batteries die at some point right??

I could continue on but I think that’s enough of my scatter brain tonight. If anyone actually reads this do you have any suggestions on things you do to quiet your mind? Or realizations you have had? No matter how random I would love to hear!

Strengths

Going into the New Year I need to focus more on my strengths and at the same to turn some of my weaknesses in to strengths as well.

I’m not good at talking about myself so well let’s start working on it today.

I am amazing with kids. I have a way of getting them to come out of there she’ll around me and have fun doing activities in the job I am in. I work for the parks department in arts and crafts so it helps a lot that I can get kids to open up and pay attention and even talk about some of the things we do in our activities. I have also taught some of our sports programs which is where I started and that was extremely important in building relationships with the kids and having connections with them. If they will open up to up they will learn so much more.

I am a great listener. I am willing to lend an ear to just about anyone. I don’t know what more to say about that one except I’ve had conversations with complete strangers about random topics but I was glad to talk to them because they seemed to just need someone to listen and I understand the feeling.

I have people who are there for me. At times I feel like I am alone but probably one of my biggest strengths is that I have people who are there for me. I count everyone out but there are some who really do have my back and best interest. That isn’t a strength like the others but I see that as a huge strength.

So yeah that’s what I’ve got for now….

2017

First off… Happy New Year!!!!

Well putting it short and to the point 2017 flat out sucked but if you’d like to stick around and hear why I’m going to ramble on for just a little while.

I went through most of the year going through the same old drama that I usually go through. Keeping quiet letting events play out how they would. I was with a guy a really didn’t like… but maybe I will discuss that story some other time. Fell in love (actually fell in love) for the first time just for it to fall away… again maybe something I will discuss in the future. I finally went to my doctor and admitted to her that I am struggling with my mental state… depression…anxiety… Blah blah… Death… yeah actually I don’t know a lot that’s happened good in 2017 ooooooohhhh I got an awesome job that I freaking love and the pay is much better than what I had before so that was great for me. But yeah other than that boooo to 2017 I’m glad it’s over and I am super excited for the new year and can’t wait to see what is in store.

At 22 I have no idea who I am

 

At 22, I have no idea who I am. Not that I thought I would have it all figured out. However, I did believe I would have at least an idea. There are so many times I thought I was making progress just to reach the end of a road left with no new path. I often look at the life I’ve lived so far and wondered what the purpose is. Dreams I did have are passed the point of possibility and those I have left are so far out of reach I’m not sure going for it would be worth the hassle. In all actuality it is more likely I would fail anyway. Not to mention the though of if I would actually want to go through with it. Nothing like going into something and realizing it sucks.I used to think I knew where I was going with this whole blog thing. HA. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I really have no idea what the purpose was of me starting this blog…. I look at old posts and none of it is consistent. Just a big reminder of how confused I am.

I’m lost. Ask me any question about myself and if I’m truly answering, you won’t get a definite answer. I can’t think of a question that I can answer with a wholehearted answer and be completely sure of. I’ll answer with possibilities, confusion, and indecision. Why? Because after 22 years I still know nothing about the person creating this post. I tend to ignore the topic changing the subject or turning questions geared toward me back on the person or anyone else other than myself. I feel so dumb. What person doesn’t know anything about who they are…. like anything. I can tell you fact things like where I was born, race, who my parents are, but none of that really matters when it comes down to it.

I tend to brush it aside like it doesn’t bother me, because admitting I am so confused hurts so much. I look at myself and realize I don’t know a damn thing. What is the point? With no clue, no purpose, I am merely a waste of space. Why then am I here? You know what I hear in response to that? Crickets….

I watch other people and they seem to have it all together. They don’t, I know.  Still, something is different. Maybe their thinking, their reaction, or maybe they are just as lost as I am and just as good at hiding the pain. I scream inside when people tell me they are so proud of who I’ve become, or what I’ve accomplished, or the amazing adult I’ve become. Yes, I have graduated, high school and college, yet I have no idea what to do with my life. Hardly something to be proud of in my book.

I’ve tried so many times to dive into my thoughts, see if I can’t find what I’m looking for. It seems though that every time I feel like I might make a dent I stop. I stop writing, stop blogging, stop reading, stop watching, I stop thinking. The frustration is so overwhelming I basically stop everything. I need to work on tat. I suppose that is my first step.

I don’t tend to finish what I begin so it’s possible I’ll continue this journey even though I currently don’t see the point. More likely I’ll give up on it, so we will see. Even as I finish this I’m thinking how stupid it is, how ridiculous this whole post sounds, so pathetic. So maybe I will post again maybe I won’t, who knows.

Failing Fact Friday

I have to apologize to myself. I am failing at this whole blogging thing haha fact!! There’s a fact for fact Friday. I’ve had a bunch going on, but even then it’s not really an excuse I have time in my day to write and I have so many thoughts going through my head that it’s not like I have nothing to talk about. I am still going to keep working at this blogging thing.

But just to make this a semi interesting post instead of straight depressing the real Friday fact is that the heart of a whale is so big you could swim through its arteries…. very strange fact I ran across the other day haha….

Have a great day/night whatever you are experiencing currently

 

Random A-Z

Happy Thursday!! I will be dedicating Thursday’s to lists. All sorts of lists. Any type of list I can come up with. Today’s list will maybe wake me up a little bit. It is going to be an A-Z list. The list will consist of whatever word comes to mind first with that letter. Let the fun begin!!

A- asshole, off to a great start haha

B- basketball

C- casual…. what??

D- dare

E- entertain

F- fire

G- gadget

H- house

I- intelligent, the irony is the first 2 words I thought of started with E not        I…. really, irony another I word…. of course

J- jackal

K- king

L- liar

M- monster

N- nasty

O- orange

P- platypus, once again…. what??

Q- quilt

R- rhinoceros, haha

S- soccer

T- triquetra

U- underestimate

V- vuvuzela, that is so fun to say

W- witch

X- x-ray

Y- yes

Z- zygote, well that was not an expected answer….

What was interesting about this is some of the letters I actually had to think a little bit before a word with that letter came to mind. More than a few of them are pretty boring but it was worth getting to the ones that got good responses. It would be pretty interesting to try that with someone out loud. Maybe just giving a random letter instead of in alphabetical order.

Minor Set Back

So, I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Had a soccer game and demolished my ankle saving my keeper from having to make a 6000th save by sticking my foot out to stop a guy from taking a shot with 20sec left in the game. He didn’t get his shot off, so minus the instant pain that came I was satisfied with the outcome and we ended up winning 1-0 to go to semifinals. I obviously couldn’t play but we did good in that game until the end we sort of ran out of gas. Could not walk on it much after the game yesterday and today when I woke up it was even worse with excruciating pain. Decided I needed to get checked out in fear it was broken so went to the walk in orthopedic clinic this morning. Lucky me it’s just a bad sprain. In a boot for the time being and no soccer for at least 2 weeks. That’s going to be torture but I’ll be alright haha. This is not what I had planned to talk about today, but the pain really has my mind off track. I will get back to my planned schedule tomorrow.

In the future Tuesdays will be anything that comes to mind , so guess it’ll just be my random day and Wednesdays will be dedicated to psychology topics. I dream of becoming a sports psychologist so many of the topics will probably focus on that.

Anyway, I just felt I needed to put some kind of post up today. I’ve lost my everyday this year goal but life happens and if I only miss a few days out of the whole year, that will still be a major accomplishment for me. Have a great night or day everyone and be safe.

The End

Mondays will be a little like Fridays in that the first Monday of the month will be dedicated to something different than the rest. I decided to dedicate these Mondays to poetry.

I thought about doing a poem every Monday, but I get nervous sharing my poetry, so at least for now I will leave it to just the first Mondays. The rest of the Mondays will have to do with inspiration. Nothing set, but the topic will be inspiration.

The End

I’m living a fractured dream

Broken promises

Awaiting the day my pain will cease to control me

 

I know not true happiness

Upon its first spark

Sadness or annoyance hastily flare in its place

 

I attempt to find relief

But to no avail

Left to watch my efforts become insignificant

 

This life is unforgiving

Forced to stay silent

Overwhelmed with the secrets I keep sheltered inside

 

How much longer can I last

Too tired to be strong

I’m afraid I’ve reached the climax to this hopeless fight

 

At one time I thought in reach

Now I see no light

I was destined to fail even before I began

 

My energy is long gone

My shield has fallen

I’m left defenseless against a stronger opponent

 

Can this really be the end

 

©Kalyssa162